Unachievable Happiness

Things are supposed to get easier, but for some forsaken reason, all that occurs are more difficulties. I don't mean to slander life, but cut a break would you? And seriously, I'm pissed.
How could he do that to me? He doesn't know anything and quite frankly, it's MY life and I'll make my own decisions. How could he have the audacity to judge someone by their proximity? What I hate most is that he'll never stop. Well, two more years and I'll turn 18. We'll see who comes out on top. I'm not that little girl that comes crying to you, and I never was. Stuck in your own mind, you'll never be able to see me for who I really am, and who I am to become. That is my only disappointment. Everything else is water under the bridge. Daddy's little girl isn't so little anymore, so get over it.

I'm upset with myself too though. In the midst of darkness is when I run to Him. No other time has it crossed my mind that He is celebrating my joyous times with me. I plan to make it my resolution to acknowledge Him at all times, through all ups and downs life brings.

In the words of Adam Young (aka Owl City)

'I can finally see
That you're right there beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you'

Christmas!

Gosh, it feels like it's taking forever for Christmas to come this year :/ Feels like it'll be another year before it comes again... maybe I'm just being impatient. Lol...

Lately, it's been... suckish. It feels like everyone is mad at me, but they won't tell me the reason why -.- Whatever. I just want this year to be over with. Not to say that this wasn't a good year, because it was...

I need to start thinking about my New Year's resolutions :)

Wishlist

So a whole lotta people are asking me what I want for Christmas. And really, I haven't given much thought to it. But some people are forcing me (AHEM, you know who you are -.-) to make a wish list of the things I want up :P So yeah.

Cut off Trim Pullover (Lavender)
Deux Lux Zip Front Duffel*Buy me this and I'll love you forever. It's too much money hahah bleeeh.
Gingham Lumber Jacket

Eh, Idk... my heart's not into getting gifts :P
If you really wanna get me something for Christmas, there's something you can do for me! Buy like, a toy or something for me, so I can donate it to my church :)

And so, the Truth Comes Out

Why do people insist on telling me that I'm someone I know I'm not? That I'm talented and caring and all those lies? Don't they know that all they're really doing is setting an expectation for me? I'm not the kind that wants to let people down, I'll give myself credit for that. And for only that.

Gosh, today? One of the worst days of my life. I can't explain to myself why I'm crying or why I'm feeling so much pain. I thought I was okay. What happened? What made the difference between today and yesterday?

I don't like questioning God. But where the hell are You? Why is it that I'm left here alone crying in my room? Why does my chest hurt so much? Why does it feel so heavy and unbearable?

I just wish people would realize that I'm not who they think I am. Behind this smile is a person that feeds off the unfortunate pain of others. I'm horrible. Don't trust me.

Thanksgiving

Okay. Thanksgiving is like, my favorite holiday! Why? It's not a gift giving holiday. Cheap? No (well, yes), but sometimes we fail to recognized all the little things in life that brought us here. And so we need a day to just step back from all the hassles in life and just... give thanks :)
Since I won't be here tomorrow ): I'll do this blog today.
I AM THANKFUL FOR:
(Oh, the cliches first)

1. God
2. Family
3. Best friends
4. Service men and women
5. Clothes
6. Food/Water
7. Shelter
8. Teachers 

(And then the personal stuff)

1. My auntie Julie
2. SCLT<3
3. SC2
4. My HC1A class (they're so cuuutee :] )
5. For those who have impacted my life postively
6. For those who have negatively
7. CGA;THJ
8. DBX buddies
9. Music
10. Entertainment
11. Prayers
12. Life

Lastly, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving itself. Without it, we'd take a lot of things for granted(, unfortunately, we already do). But it's okay. Thanksgiving comes every year :) So thank you Native Americans for helping the Pilgrims ;D

Cool

I wonder whoever came up with "Cool." Don't you? Haha.
Whoever came with it? Saying "Hey, I'm cool!" Rofl... So where the heck did it come from?
URBAN DICTIONARY:
Cool -

1. awesome
2. popular; like in a social hierarchy
3. used when a conversation goes silent
4. nice
5. wicked (new england stlye, NOT evil= wicked)
6. good or great
7. not warm, but not cold
8. okay with each other, not mean to each other, but not necessarily nice, just not mean

1. That new bike is cool.
2. That kid Andrew is really cool.
3. SILENCE..........That's cool.
4. He gave me his lunch when i forgot mine; he's really cool.
5. Thats cool new.
6. A. You were cool in Halo 2.
6. b. That sandwich looks cool.
7. My ice-cream is cool.
8. After the argument, Bill asked Andrew, "We cool?", and Andrew replied, "Ya, we cool."

 

Haha. So back to what I really wanted to say.

Things have been cool lately. Everything's really chill. And by lately, I mean, just this week. But I'm glad :) This is a big weekend coming up for me. A lot is going on. OMG, I absolutely CANNOT wait for Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays of all time :D 7 days in countdown!

Lackadaisical

It's a place where everything is so wrong, but it feels right. I'm able to say, "It doesn't matter anymore," and it really doesn't. So lackadaisical, I don't even mind. Haha, isn't that ironic? Hm, drawing at a blank. I really have nothing to say.

On another note...

It's been a long time since I've had butterflies. It was scary at first. Now I'm just enjoying the view :)





Indecisive.

Nowhere

Gosh. I feel like, getting on the fastest train, riding it until I'm pleased with everything in my life. Letting it take me to who knows where. And when I get there, I wouldn't care how I ended up. If I'd lose my sanity, I wouldn't care. I'd be in the state where nothing matters. For those moments, everything and everyone else can wait. It'd be the moment where I'd break down. I'd break into pieces, not caring if I would be able to put myself back together. All the norms of society, I couldn't care less about it. If I were to have just that one moment, I'd be okay.

White Lines

Inspiration 2009, I learned;
There will always be white lines separating you between

• What will be, what could have been.
• What you think is right, what is actually right.
• What you think is wrong, what is actually wrong.
• Becoming more, becoming less.
• Fulfilling yourself, killing yourself.
• Your world, reality.
  

As I said, I'm in the in between. Always.
I'm home now; so what happens next? I'm always afraid of returning back to life. To reality. When I come home from an event, whether it be SCRC, Inspiration, etc, I always find myself turning back to old ways. Like MH said, it's like your joy received from being at that place is being sucked out of you the moment you leave that place. It's already happening.

Last night, I was praying for my vocation. I don't know if it's God's way of answering, and if it should be, then I'm both happy and disappointed. I guess it takes more than just one night though...

GMH

Screw FMyLife.com
GivesMeHope.com <3

Several years back, I passed by an elderly man with crutches hobbling onto an interstate on-ramp. I stopped and asked the man if I could give him a ride. He said "Yes, I'm just going to the next exit to visit my wife." When I get to the next exit, I dropped him off at the cemetery. His neverending love GMH.

My Dad had a heart attack and severe amnesia from hitting his head. While I was with him in the hospital, he was sleeping in a chair, all hooked up to IV's and such, and I was napping in his bed. I woke up to him taking care of me because he thought I was the patient. His unconditional love GMH

While at the store I noticed a man that was obviously mentally challenged. He wanted a free balloon that they give out to kids. They were out. A girl about 5 noticed him crying and walked up to him and said "here mister. you can have mine!" The look on his face was priceless. That girl GMH.

One night, my dad told my family we should all pray for my cousin who is serving in Afghanistan. We later found out that around the same time, he ran over a bomb in his vehicle with 4 other soldiers. All five of them survived with only scratches. Prayer GMH.

When I was little, I started crying because I didn't have enough money to buy my lunch and I was hungry. My teacher gave me her lunch that day, and pooled money from the teachers to put enough money in my lunch account to get lunches for the rest of the year. She GMH.

My friend's younger brother just came out of 5 weeks of coma. When asked him what had "woken him up" he replied "I heard mom crying and I had to comfort her". GMH

A 5 year old boy in my town had leukemia. His wish for Make-a-Wish was to spend a day with Corbin Bleu (an actor in High School Musical), and he had a blast. Yesterday was the boy's funeral. Corbin flew in to our town with his dad and attended the funeral as a pallbearer. His selflessness GMH

Today, my teacher was telling us a story about her friend's adopted son and how he got picked on for it. One day at school a boy went up to him and said, "I came from my mommy's tummy, where did you come from?" knowing the boy was adopted. His response? "I came from my mommy's heart." He was 6 years old at the time. This GMH

At my school, there is a girl who was born a dwarf and she went to the dance. For most of the night, she sat by herself in a corner 'cause she was too small to dance with anyone. Then a boy off the baseball team asked her to dance. He got onto his knees so they could dance comfortably together. GMH!

Last Christmas i was shopping and my little sister had her eyes on a teddy bear. A middle aged man in front of us handed her the money for the bear and said "my wife and i stopped buying gifts for eachother. Instead, we make strangers happy." people like him GMH.

When I was in elementary school, my parents never put any of those cute "I Love You" notes in my lunch and I had always really wanted them. When my friend found out about this, she made me a lunch and crammed over 150 notes in it telling me how special I was. We are both freshmen in college. Her Kindness GMH

Calling

I'm at the age in my life where I really have to consider what I want to do with my future. I used to be afraid thinking about it, I think I still am. I think it's just because I don't want to screw it up somehow. I know there's not always the possibility of fixing something whenever you want to. So what have I planned for my future? Nothing. Well... nothing stable yet. I'm always in the in-between. Current: majors. But what if there's something else?

Lately, I've seriously been thinking about a religious calling. I don't believe that God has called me yet, but what if He does? What if I don't notice His calling? What if I'm too unaware. I'm so confused as to what God wants me to do. I've been asking people if they could picture me being a religious sister. 8/10 said no. Even my little sister can't imagine me being one. I asked her just last night, and she replied, "No, you're too pretty." Well, I didn't know that religious sisters are supposed to be ugly...

I feel like whatever I choose to do, there will always be something missing. If God calls me to a religious life, then I will always be missing out on a husband and having my own children. If I'm called to a matrimony life, then I will sometimes be strayed away from my faith. If I'm called to a single life--I will be missing both. I, like other people I asked, always thought that I was going to get married. Always always, there was never another option for me. But now, I just don't know.

So here I am to lay everything down to God. Let him be of judgment. Whatever he chooses, I will comply. I wholeheartedly wish that I had no doubts for what He has planned for me, but I just don't have that total assurance.

So for those who thought I was just playing around when I asked this question, I'm not. I'm serious.

The Silent Holocaust

"I'm God's girl. You don't mess with God's girl. I must have a sign on my head that reads 'You better be nice to me because my Daddy runs this world'". -Gianna Jessen

Gianna Jessen is an abortion survivor. Look her up on YouTube. She has some pretty epic stuff to say.

Nothing New

"You're mean."
"You hurt people."
"Oh, you bitch."

OKAY, What the hell is wrong with you people? Where have you been? I know after freshman year, I changed. Can you blame me for not wanting to be walked all over?

I'm mean. Hahaha yes. I tell people the things they DON'T want to hear. I tell people the truth. I'm not going to say something that isn't true just to make you feel better. I think you'd be better off knowing that people are really saying about you. I'm gonna tell you straight. I'll be blunt and sometimes I can come off as a jerk. But I owe it to tell you what's really going on, thank me later, thank me not. I don't care.

I hurt people. Well, which person hasn't hurt anyone before? (Other than Jesus [: ) "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." (Oh, good thing Mary wasn't there.. hahaha) But in all seriousness, I know I hurt people. Physically and emotionally. Yeah. But which mortal hasn't? It's not intended I swear. I don't wake up in the morning and draw a name (or several names) from a hat and say "Oooh! I'm going to hurt this person/these people today!" That would be pure evil. I'm sorry to all whom I have offended; no promises I won't do it again though. I'm only human.

I'm a bitch. HAHAHA. Okay well, seriously. It's only okay if I say it. Or if you say it in a joking way. Have you looked up the definition of a bitch? If not...
a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.
I swear, I was on FaceBook, taking a quiz. "Are you a Bitch?" Result?: You're a Perfect Angel
Yes, it surprised me too. But the questions asked were like, Omega Bitch. "Do you trip the elderly when walking past them?" What in the hell...? LOL That's just friggen wrong. So yeah. Look up the definition before calling someone it okay? :)

I know I'm not your favorite person, nor do I intend to be. Most of the time, I'm very straight forward. I don't like to sugarcoat it, haha. But I have my moments of pure generosity. Promise. It just hasn't happened to you yet :) Or maybe it has.

Speech Impairment

People don't get what I'm saying...
It's not because I have speech impairment, or because I sometimes have slurred speech. I tend to talk in circles. Everyone looks at me like I'm strange; they laugh at me. I think I make perfect sense. Hope to find someone that makes sense of all I'm saying.



Anyway. I just hate it when I see girls that act weak on purpose. Cute? Nope. Grow some backbone. Or I'll snap whatever is left of yours. Seriously girls, we don't need to act helpless to get a man. It may be attractive now, but when you get older, boys won't give a shit. They want a woman that's independent and knows what she wants. Gosh... those "helpless" girls.. remind me of.. me. Or how I used to be. Who I am hates who I've been. I used to get walked all over, played to the farthest extent. People pass me off as mean. I'm "mean" to all my guy friends. Hahahaha. Sorry for being blunt. I have no time to bullshit.

Lampposts

Walked home tonight.
Called four times.
My mom.
Nothing.
My home phone.
Nothing.
My sister.
She picked up.
Was pissed.
Told me to call dad.
She and dad were in the house.
At the same time.
She told me to call dad.
Called Dad.
Nothing.
Got up.
Walked.
Didn't care about danger.
Didn't care about getting raped.
Didn't care if ended up dead.
Didn't care.
Care?
There is no care.
Sister can't even get out of her fucking room.
Take the phone to dad.
So I could ask him to drive me home.
No.
So.
Walked home tonight.
Walked past lamppost.
By lamppost.
She didn't care.
Didn't care enough.
She couldn't give the phone to dad.
Because they were in the house.
At the same time.
Because it's way too hard.
It's too hard to get up one's ass.
To give the phone to dad.
So her little sister had to walk home.
Lamppost by lamppost.
Got home.
Knocked on the door.
Stood outside.
Stranger of my own house.
She came out.
Opened the door.
Looked at her little sister.
"UGH"
Walked back into her room.
Walked home tonight.
I'm home.
But I'm still alone.

Broken Strings

Dammit, I love that song.

Okay well. Today was completely useless lol. I feel like I miss blogging, but I'm always too lazy to write something. Today was soooo long. Seriously. I was in 2nd period today and I remember thinking... is this for real? It should be 5th period by now.

Okay wow, I'm passing my AP classes (: I guess I'm really excited about that, lol. Hmm, I don't think I have anything left to say. Stress, stress, stressssss.

Oh. I've been super annoyed of everyone lately. Don't take it personally if I act out, I'm just upset and stressed for a multitude of reasons. And I'm sorry, I don't know how to control my stupid anger. Haaaah, just wish it was summer. When I didn't have to give a damn about anything, and everything was okay. Fuck, I miss him.

Simply Everything

Really, it's needless to say. All my juniors, we're stressing out. We're practically on death row. We're in for a real test this school year dearies, best of luck to all of us!

Okay so, lately. I've been really.. gosh. Just stressed out. I wanted to give up, but luckily someone picked me up and made me go on for the better of myself. And to that person, I am truly grateful.

Man, I really need to learn to say "No". Or as Tony says, "It's not saying no, it's just not saying yes" Hahaha.

Recently, I've learned something about myself. It's really crucial that I made this self discovery though. I've learned that I take things too heavily. I let every single small thing get to me, whether it's good or not. This flaw could.. no, will make me crack. I'm not gonna let it happen though. I'm not falling apart again. It took me too damn long to put myself back together.

Reacquainted

Seems like I've been through this before. All to many times it appears. It's the classic "Diss, then miss".

I don't know, but lately I've been really upset with myself. I guess I'm just beating myself up for how badly things ended. It's sad that we don't even talk... I guess I just miss you.

If I had the chance, I'd do it all again. I'd want to be reacquainted with you.

Monotonous.

Lately I've been feeling very... trapped in my own body. Like everyday that's passing is just me trying to get through it. I feel like an android almost. I can't bring myself to be happy with anyone, and I can't be pleased with myself either. I feel like I have to constantly better myself, which I know everyone strives to do. However, I feel like it's pressured upon me, like I can't do it in my own time. I feel like I'm half doing everything. Like it's only one part of many that I'm accomplishing. Very monotonous of me. I don't like it. I'm trying to break free.

One Year Ago Today

Awkward “Good mornings” and “Hellos” filled the crisp, cold air as we walked through the path of the cemetery. My family knew our surroundings too well, for it was not the first time we lost someone. As time drew near, the weather changed into a bright sunny day; I could hear the birds singly happily as they flew above. It was the perfect weather to go to the beach, to the park, to be outside enjoying the fresh air. It wasn’t the kind of weather that I would expect to attend a funeral, to witness the last moments above ground, the burial of my beloved grandmother. The skies may have been blue, with the sun sharing its warmth, but the feeling was despair, dissolving of the heart, and grief. Needless to say, it was a hard time for my family. We had already lost our grandfather, the icon which kept our family in order, and now his wife, with her sewing that kept our family together – both gone. As the ceremony began, tears began to fall, which seemed like an endless shower of rain down my kin’s faces. Salty tears were swept away from my cousin’s face, as he thought, “Be strong; you’re a man,” but in reality, he had no control over the overbearing hurt which consumed him instantly. The sight of the men’s red eyes and women’s destroyed mascara filled the depths of my heart with emptiness of sorrow.
I could smell the powerful scent of dirt, in which would cover the body of the woman I played with in the rose garden, the woman I sat with in prayer on late Saturday evening services, the woman who gave birth to my mother who had given birth to me. I gripped my black, silky dress in anger, for I felt it was unfair that someone with such faith in the world, in humanity, could be taken away from me so easily, in a matter of seconds. I tasted the guilt in the depths of my throat, the guilt in which is still held over me, the guilt of not being able to be with her in her last moments. The horrible aftertaste of that guilt still remains in my mouth today. The uncontrollable sobbing of my relatives was contagious, for in a few seconds after I heard them, I too began to cry. I made my way to the front of the hearse, to sing a song sent to me from a concerned friend the day of my grandma’s passing. I sang that song horribly, a song that ironically was titled “Well Done”, but was not well done by me at all, due to unmanageable tears. I heard the off-key notes I hit as I sang that song, but I had no care for it. All that mattered at that moment was my hope that somewhere, wherever my grandmother was, she heard me that she would forgive me of my trespasses.
I returned to my cousins’ side afterwards; we all stood side by side, so close that we could all feel the goose bumps of the persons we were standing next to. The final moments of an ascended coffin were all that I could see then. Then as they lowered the coffin, I could hear the beating of my heart. The beating was so loud; it was as if a stethoscope was hooked up to speakers, for I felt that everybody in the cemetery could hear it. Before I knew it, I could no longer see her coffin; there was no longer any trace of her body left in my sight. I took in a breath of air and smelled the sunshine over the graves of my dearly loved grandparents. The coffin which lay in my sight minutes ago were now covered with dirt, and over that dirt, sun yellow daises that she loved. There and then I realized that it is certain…

Losing someone you love should get easier everyday because although it is one day further from that last time you saw them, it is also one day closer to the next time you’ll see them.....

Greater Plan

Things like this come quicker than you know. A life can be taken away in a heartbeat, literally. You could have been some big time musician or you could have been just some kid who played football in high school. Some people are deprived of the chance to live out the rest of their lives. Pepole say "He was too young" or "It was his time" But time has nothing to do with it. God has a greater plan. Let this be a lesson-no, more than a lesson-may this be a reminder to everyone. Life is short; what you do with it can will make it longer and worth your while. Never fail to say what is needed to say nor should you wait to do something that is of importance. Don't take things for granted. Don't forget to say "I love you" to the people who mean the most to you. It could be the last thing they remember you by.

Kevin Telles, heaven welcomes you with the biggest of arms. May angels lead you in. You shall not be wept over, but remembered in great ways.

Nonresponsive

Sometimes people don't listen to me. It's like they just hear me. It's in one ear and out the other. I just wish they would take my advice because I actually know the shit I'm talking about. It just frustrates me when they set themselves up to get hurt, heed my warning. It's like a nonresponsive wake up call. Like I'm trying to show them the side which they don't see, and they're blind to it. Maybe it's because they don't have enough clarity to actually realize it.


Anyway, SCHOOL! It's been okay for the first two days. Whenever I get home, I feel like I need a ten hour nap. Jeeeez I'm really tired. Okay so, next week (9/17) is my grandma's one year death anniversary. On her deathdate, I'll post up the Autobiographical whatever essay that I turned it and got an award from school. Umm, next saturday I have my cousin's wedding. It's a half white one! &The reception is going to be at a Hotel. How swanky! Cute white boys? Hahaha, no.

Truth Is

I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid to go through the "typical Asian love". I don't want to be blinded by what I think is love, get married, have children, face all these differences, then end up like my parents. I don't want to fall in love with the wrong person. I want real romantic love. Not the kind of love that my parents have. Sure, they love each other, but not in the way that a marriage should contain love. Sometimes I think, Asians just aren't meant to love. Arranged marriages go way back in our culture. You think you love them...? Or is it a forced love? I don't want to get married and grow apart. I don't want to have to sit in my room, thinking about what's on my hustband's mind, wonder where he's at, wonder if he still "loves" me. I don't want to have to cry my eyes out because I picked the wrong person for love. I don't want to have to blame love for decieving my heart. I know marriages will face disappointment, anger, arguments, fights, crying, pain... I know all of that is unavoidable. I just don't want to have to grow old and feel like we're so far apart we have to sleep in separate rooms and live different lives. I wish I could feel self secured enough to take a chance at love, but I can't. I just hope... I don't fall in what I think is love. I hope that any guy that thinks he's fallen for me realize that I can't be loved. I hope he falls out of love.

Immensely Always

There is no one else for me.






























None but Jesus.

Maybe Not Forever

Are friends really forever? Is anything really forever? I mean... forever is such a long time. I don't get how anything could last "forever". Who created forever? I guess my faith is slipping. Faith in God, faith in humanity, faith in myself. But if forever really did exist, I know it's something I don't deserve. Forevers really don't work out for me.

How about, for always?

Sick

I'm done wasting my time on something that was never meant to be in the first place.
Done waiting on you, waiting on your feelings. You say you could like me, but you don't know? You say I have "potential", but to me, you don't. You did, but not anymore. So you better get your shit together, it's either you do or not. If you do, you're wasting my time; I know you can't be for real. If you don't, it doesn't matter to me. Waiting on you is like waiting on the world to change. Hopeless. It doesn't even matter. A few years from now, I'll look back and won't even remember how you look like, let alone how you made me feel. You'll just be another guy in my book of failed infatuation. Ugh, you make me sick.

Reasons Why I Hate Men

Men. Men. Men. Men?...

1. They don't get periods.
2. They don't bloat.
3. They call you fat when you do bloat.
4. They don't get mother freaking cramps.
5. They're not the ones with blood shooting out of their cooch.
6. They don't experience the urge to lowlife on food for a week (maybe some do...)
7. They're not getting wedgies from pads or uncomfortableness from tampons.
8. And NO, sticking a tampon up "there" is NOTHING like losing your virginity.
9. Men don't get the icky feeling of bleeding down there.
10. I mean, they get boners from outta nowhere sometimes, but it's not like they don't enjoy it.
11. Men don't get killer back pains that make you wanna shoot your brains out.
12. They complain when you ask them for the simplest favors like, "Could you run to the store to get me some pads?"
13. They say "You've lost your mind" when you bitch about them not doing you favors.
14. HAHA! Here's the killer-they STILL won't do it.
15. They still expect dinner on the table at the appointed time.
16. Even if you're on your period, that doesn't stop men from being horny at bedtime.
17. They get "sexually frustrated" when you say no. HAHAHA.
18. Men don't have to constantly check if they bled through something.
19. And no matter what men say, NO! Women do not get their periods because they "deserve it".

Sneaky

WHAT
A
STALKER

Binnie told me!:

"Hey Tiffany!"
"Hey _______!"
"WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!"
"Um... I'm married..."
"Oh, that's cool. How was your morning?"

HAHAHAHA BIPOLAR SON OF A BISH WOULD SAY THAT!

Falling In Again

Just when I think I've finally forgotten you, you pop up in my mind. Just when I think I've gotten out of the whole, you make me fall in again. What am I supposed to do? Ignore your sweet talk and totally forget you ever existed? Hah, if only it were that easy. You make me wanna be more than I am. Better. But you tear me down for it. Is it worth it? You say you miss me, and then you diss me. Keeps me up still late at night, missing you.

Speedy

I've been told that I'm the kind of person that doesn't regard feelings of others all so often. I'm the kind of person that gets in, gets out, then moves on. I've been told I'm the kind of "non-stick" mess. I'm not clingy; in fact, I really don't give a shit. Hahaha. I don't know, I guess it's true. Whatever.

Knew Things Wouldn't Last

I've had a change of heart. So quickly at that too, but I don't feel guilty.
I guess I accept myself.

Reminisce

I think it was yesterday when I remembered something I had forgotten about a long time ago. I don't know; just thinking about it made me immensely happy, even though at the time I was in a lot of pain. I guess I'm just glad that I made it out okay and I'm happy to be where I am in life right now.


I'm not going to expect too much to happen for the last remaining weeks of summer vacation. I'll just take things as they come. If it happens, it does. If not, it doesn't. But in my opinion, LDRs are never good.

No Need for Words

You don't need to say anything. I already know where I stand. And I'm okay with it. I'm just sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to live up to be.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I hate this emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I wish I would make up my mind already. It's such a simple "yes or no" question. The worst thing is, I never meant to hurt people in the process. I feel horrible. No one deserves the shit I give out. I don't like keeping secrets from the people that matter to me the most. I just don't know how to say what I need to say. But saying what I need also requires knowledge of what I want. I need to figure out what I want, and from then on, only can I say what I need. But things are so hard. My heart is all over the place and I don't know how to keep everyone and myself happy. I can't tell who's being serious and who's playing with my feelings. I guess I shouldn't expect too much of anything. Afterall, expectations need care. And I shouldn't bring myself to care too much...

Rules for Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

The Ugliest Thing

It's normal for a stranger to hurt you, for they know not of you. It's hideous if your best friend turns against you, for trust is easy to start with and hard to get back. However, the most ugly thing is when sisters become enemies.

How can someone with the same blood flowing through you choose a stranger over you?

Sisters are supposed to...
Have late night conversations about boys.
Paint each other's nails.
Do each other's hair.
Share dolls.
Play house.
Have tea parties.

You always say, "You're so vain. So conceited and full of yourself." I'm a girl. Maybe God gave you the wrong body. Because of you, I feel so stupid and vain. So conceited, I try not to look in the mirror when I leave the house. I try not to care. When I see my other friends, I feel accepted. I feel normal because they do the same things I do. They wake up early in the morning to get ready. They wear different shoes everyday. Their hair looks different. I'm just a girl. But I feel so full of myself everytime I look in the mirror because you say, "Fuck, you're hideous enough, are you fucking ready to leave? How much more hideous can you get?"
I do it myself.

I can control boys easily.
I do my own nails
My own hair.
Hitting me on the head with your bouncy ball.
Breaking the body parts off my Barbies and taunting me.
Can you blame me if I'd rather not pretend to get shot in the head by your invisible gun?

You're my sister, not my brother. The ugliest thing is, you make me wish I was less of who I am, and more of who I'll never be. Something I can never be.

The Lesson Never Learned

It happens all the time; it happens to everyone. Don't you just hate it when you build up expectations for something that you've been looking forward to? Disappointing when it doesn't make it standard, isn't it? I always tell myself to stop caring so much.
CARING=EXPECTATIONS=FAILING=DISAPPOINTMENT
I never learn my lesson from this equation. I guess I'm only human, for this is expected.
If so, I wish I weren't human.

The Afterfight

How hard is it to say "I'm sorry"? Very hard.

I was too serious. I'm sorry I lost it yesterday. I know you care. I just wish you would care... less, sometimes. I was in the wrong, I'm sorry.


But I'm not addicted -___-... I'm not.

Summer '09

PICTURES COMING SOON.

Turn Ons & Turn Offs

Turn ons:

• funny! :)
• cute smile
• awesome hair
• brown eyes
• ripped (: [at least a little..]
• someone that lets me pay 1/4 of the time ;D
• accent! [[MYCHONNY?!]]
• plays instrument(s)
• sk8ers... & dancers <-ugh, whyyy.
• honest
• knows how to treat a girl right -__- duh.
• book smart
• street smart
• sensitivity's always good, but not TOO much.
• good with kids <3
• has great determination
• honorable to family
• respectful
• camera whores that are photogenic.
• preferably with the same faith ;)
• knows how to cook :D
• athletic
• willing to accept my flaws (:
• Anthony Phan ;DDD LOL.

Turn offs:

• dicks
• assholes
• liars
• cheaters
• makes me pay 3/4 of the time *AHEM ):<
• twigs, ew.
• dancers... yeah, they're hard to keep
• when fobs have the balls to come up to me and say, "Eh bay-bee, can I have duh phone numbah?"
• when guys honk when they drive by.. ugh.
• STALKERS! i.e, the apocalypse, period, and the plague!
• when a boyfriend checks up on you constantly
• the "needy" type... that's so low.
• cocky boys
• TREKKIES, UGHHHHH.
• the FASHION RETARDED.
• when boys talk about girls they've done... when you know them getting laid is impossible
• too perverted :/
• ugly ass camera whores
• SEAN KIM, EWWWW! HAHAHA.

Familiar Frustration

Do you ever get that feeling where you really want to go somewhere? And then someone or something comes along and just makes you really frustrated. Then you say "Screw this. I'm not going anywhere anymore." Inside... you really want to go. Then you get mad at yourself because you just sold yourself out of enjoying yourself.

I don't know. I always do that to myself. That's what happened today.
But I'm so used to it...

Friends

Everyone hears to what you say. Your friends listen to what you say. Your best friends hear what you don't say.

So a best friend is supposed to know how you feel about them doing things without you saying anything...

...I guess I don't have one.

Empty Tears

Today I sat in my room cried for like, an hour.



The reason? I don't know. I cried for nothing. I feel so much better now.

Heels

So I spent the whole day with Blondie (my cousin from TX). I suddenly remember how much fun we used to have. She's like an older sister that I can relate to. So we basically shopped the whole day. First, we went to West mall. I bought white skinnies! I also bought make up, kind of shocking since I don't wear it much anymore. Lastly, my mommy bought me this yellow sun dress. It's pretty :) I'll be honest, she's been picking out a lot of my clothes lately. The funny thing is, she's GOOD at it! So after West, we went home and got ready for mass. I wore heels because I thought to myself, "It's a Sunday Viet mass." After going to mass, we went to Main Place. Did you know it closes at 8 on Saturday?! I didn't... So after getting kicked out, we went to the the Block of Orange about a mile away. By then, I was starving since the only thing I had eaten the whole day were samples from Costco. We ate then walked around. Remember when I said I was in heels? Yeah, self explanatory. Hurt like a mother.

Like a Stab in the Heart

Each betrayal begins with trust. -Phish

I don't know why I trusted you then. I don't know why I'm still infatuated with you now. I know that I can get over it though. You just make it hard. It's like a stab in the heart. I just can't wait for you to fall off the face of my world again. But you always show up again and again and again. And everytime I see you, it's like a turn of the knife in my heart.


Ugh, someone save me.

Chasing Sunsets

On the way back from Sequoia, my dad was racing down the highway. It seemed like he was chasing the sunset, to proceed driving fast enough to still see it.

I don't know, it kinda made me think about things. It was like being persistent on doing something you know wouldn't last.

Effffff, I'm tired.

Bitter Breakfast

It's pretty late right now, but I've decided to just stay up because I have to wake up at 2AM and get going at 3AM to Sequoia. Yeah, the family is going camping. I'm a little weird about going because of well, past relations. But I'm still determined to have a good time because I promised Tim (:

So anyway, Saturday morning I woke up and got ready to go shopping with my mom and my sister. All of the sudden, my dad comes in with a really pissy attitude and says, "Who washes the dishes the most in this house?!" Yeah, I really don't evne get why he said that... weird. The weirder thing is, it caused everyone to get mad and frustrated with each other. There's still kind of a tension between us all right now. But whatever, shopping!

So I found THE dress. I'm serious, I fell in love with it. I'm still kinda upset because I didn't buy it. It wasn't in my budget... but I will buy it! Hopefullyy<3

And my phone broke... ugh. So I'm using my old one until my buddy Binnie lets me borrow his BETTER one! Thank God!

Well, I really didn't go anywhere much with this blog. It's just because I told Kevin I would write.
Uhm, I miss Kevin L (: Why does he have to go and live in stupid Seattle?! D:<
Oh well.

Until T-minus 2 days ;D

Until then, x33333

I'm an Addict

Oh man, I'm a loser like my sister.
All she ever does all day is sit in front of the computer and play games.
I'm doing the same. FML

Okay so VYC!
How can I put it into words?...
What am I saying, it's easy!
VYC was...

• TIRING!
• BORING!
• FUNNY!
• DIFFERENT than expected!
• OKAY!
• AWKWARD!
• OVERALL, it was worth the money :)

'Cause I got to see my old buddies! And man, have they gotten CUUUUUUUUTE!<3

Ewww, there were these two stalkers though! Even Judy had them! So we named them! The apocolypse! Period! And.... the Plague! Ewwwwwwwww, disgustinggggg. Ew ew ew!

SHAAAAAKE IT OFFFF THOUGH, THEY'RE GONEEEEE!

The Sunshine Kind

So begins my official summer! Today is Monday, and it hasn't really sunk in that I have no classes. It's alright though, I'm sure it'll become apparent soon.

Woke up to sunshine hitting me in the face and the birds that sounded familiar. They sound so much better than the ones in Cancun. They look better too. I went to sleep pretty early last night. Yesterday was a long day for me, but it also made me realize a lot. There's a lot of perspectives about me. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised because I put up different fronts with people. To one of my best friends, I'm the goody-goody. And to the other, I'm the most out there. I guess you just can't really rely on the perspective of one person, that wouldn't be very accurate because of the diversity of how we view others.

So Monday morning. I'm sitting in my bed with my laptop on my lap and listening to a playlist my ex boyfriend made for me. It's apparent that I'm not over him. But I'm grateful that we're just friends and that he was honest to me about his feelings. If any jerk had ever broken my heart, he's been the most gentle about it. Gives me thought about how I shouldn't just play around with other's feelings. I always say, "Boys are just boys just as pigs are just pigs." He proved that wrong for me. He was... dare I say sweet? I just wish there were more guys like him. I was lucky to have that hopeless romantic. Although we still remain friends, I sometimes wish he would just come and take me away for the day. Reality is at it's peak however, and I have no time for such fairytales. It's summer, time to do more practical things.

Cancun

Well, I just got back two days ago from my trip to Cancun. It was sooo gorgeous! Sandy white beaches, clear blue carribean sea!<3 I fell in love with the place! Gosh, one thing I did not fall in love with? The buffets! Gosh, eating in those restaurants for 6 days is just no fun! I'm so glad I'm back home so I can eat all the Asian food I want!<333 The heat wasn't that bad surprisingly. It was only 90 degrees or so. So my parents bought a vacation packet! That means I can come back there as many times as I want for the next 30 years! We have unlimited suite access too :D So my mom said I can take all my girls, providing that they pay for their own food and flights.
I went to see the ruins of one of the biggest Mayan pyramids in the world. Damn, it was so hot there, I almost fainted! But I also went to Xel-Ha, which is natural water park. I got to swim with the fishies! :) And I saw the dolphins! They're so cute!

The only downside to my trip was the last flight home from Houston to LA. I'm going to call it the flight from Hell. I'm like, really sick now. I can't even get out of bed. No! It's not swine flu! Shut up! I'm so tired. So yay! I'm back in California! But I sure miss Cancun!

Broken Clocks

So we tried and we failed. I guess time did us no harm, but it just wasn't there to begin with. It's like even if we tried in the past, it would still lead us here right? It would lead us to different people.
So there's like, a few days left of school. I'm so stressed about Chemistry final. I should be studying right now, but eh. I hope I do well! Pray for me :)
I just found out some very disappointing news, not telling.
I don't know how to respond to a confession.
I'm so happy summer is coming<3
SAYONARA school!
Binnie deserves SO much better.
Is it bad I still miss him?
Boys are so asdfghjkl;' right now though.
I hate this little fucker :) I hope he burns in hell, bitch face!
Bye.

Secret

So today started out pretty blah. So my dad dropped my older sister and I off at our high school and we proceeded out the car. Except, I wasn't completely out the car yet, and my dad drove on just as I was stepping out. We have one of those cars where you have to slide the door open. Too bad, the car door slid right into my leg as I was getting out. Yes, ouch. My sister and I had an argument this morning. It was horrible. But things are okay now. Actually, they're better than okay! But I'm feeling a little resentment... I hope things are okay financially.

Okay, one week left of school. Seriously. I need to work my ass off to make it worthy of my approval. So I'm planning to give it my all. I can do this. I WILL fix things.




To meet someone again and again, is to fall in love with them. NTK<3

Straightfoward

So my mom says I'm way too straightforward, and it's not nice. No offense, but I never said I wanted to be nice. I want to be real. So yes, I'm sorry if I have ever told you something you didn't want to hear. I'm just so sick of everyone in high school being so fake. You know when you walk around campus you see some girls hug each other and say, "Oh hey girl! What's up?! I love you bitch!" and stuff like that? Isn't it hilarious when everyone in the world already knows they're public enemies even though they put up a front like that? Yeah, so I won't ever be like that. It's sickening.

Haha, I just notice I always blog about the randomest things and how I'm feeling, never about my day. Maybe I should start :)

Peculiar

Using someone to try to make me jealous. Well, ain't that low? I can see straight through his plan. Whatever.


MESA banquet today! Awww, Duy missed it ): He won't see me for another very long time. He got sick though, forgivable. Hope he gets better. I can't believe Binnie stole a cart from Ralphs... that's horrible, homie. So anyway, banquet was... it was okay. I guess I had too high of expectations for it. But it was okay to me. I can't believe how much better I get along with someone though. I used to not be able to stand him. Now I'm okay with him... haha, but he still talks way too much. Funny lines from people today:

Grace&Linh: Tiffany, wanna do the dance?
Steven: Everything tastes better with sand.
Binnie: Binnie make fire! *rolls tongue*
Louis: I'll go find sugar for you!
Haylie: I'll make him eat all that sugar he left in the car on the way home!
Arlene: It's a canOHpy!
Quynh: Those are words of a true geek right there!
Michelle: I'm trying to plant a clam...
JoJo: Why isn't she in the kitchen?!

Behind Enemy Lines

Someone caught me off guard today. Struck me right when I took off my armor. Weaknesses are just apart of who you are, I guess. You have to be careful as to whom to reveal them to though.

I'm glad today happened though.

Pushover

I always let things be okay. Why can't I hold grudges?! Ugh. Going in mad, I think that I'll stay mad for a long time. Guess what? I never do. I'm always the type that doesn't stay mad for long. I know it's a good thing, but it makes me mad at myself. It's like I'm just letting people get away with it. I don't like it. Okay... blah blah.

The song that describes how I'm feeling right now is Darkness 'Round the Sun. Check it out on YouTube! I have a YouTube app. to the left of my page :)

Bucket List

Things I must accomplish before I die!:

• Go to Venice with sbgf Binnie
• Take my mom back to Vietnam
• Get my dad to stop smoking
• Break life's repitition
• Save someone's life in every way possible
• Witness a period of time when all the world is at peace
• Find my "meant to be"
• Get married in the church I grew up in
• Become a mother
• Raise my children into proper members of society and church
• Go to SeaWorld with my bff Kevin
• Become a grandmother
• Have a wall full of pictures in frames
• Grow old and still in love with my hubby
• Live to witness 111 beach sunsets

Southern Sky

So when you really think about it, and I don't mean giving it a second of thought. I mean, when you really do think about it all: you, your life, and who you're meant to be; sometimes it's all too much to take on at just one point in time. But no matter how off track one gets in life, one is never completely off track to be destined to failure. There's always time. As long as there is air to breathe, there's always time to turn, if not anything, a few things wrong in your life right.


Where you are in life is the product of the choices you make.

Dolphins

Take me to see the dolphins
Take me to that place I once was
Take me to see my former self
To the period of time when I knew
When I was sure of myself
Take me back to when
It was all I needed to suffice
Take me back to when
It was just me and my best friend
Take me back to when I was sure of myself
Take me back to my past
Take me back home
Take me to see the dolphins.



I'm in no need to eludicate myself, it's either you know... or you don't.

Corrupt Much?

Uhhh, there's too many details to go over.
I would just like to say that our governor is an idiot :)
No wonder everyone hates his movies and mocks him excessively.
Hahahaha, man. I hate that man.

Fall For You

I remember this time last year. I remember how I felt about you. I always tell myself, "No more, this is it. I can't do this again." Only to always end up falling for you again. I ask myself, "What's so good about him anyway?" And then I think of all the wonderful things about you. I get mixed emotions abou you. It's like every guy in between doesn't work out 'cause I'm always putting you on hold. You get to me. Any other person could say the things you do to me, and it would have no effect on me. When you say it, I smile for days. When I talk to you, I get butterflies. When you hug me, my heart beats faster and slower. I always say, "No more." But it's always more until we're through.

Out With a Bang

Someone once told me that whenever I see a problem, I tend to run from it. I just noticed... this person is right. I do run from it. Not because I'm afraid of dealing with it, not because I don't believe in myself enough to overcome it, but because it's of no importance to me to find a solution. I always tend to think I face everything head on; I think I'm right. I deal with different problems in different ways. So to this person, fuck off :) Because I am who I am. Don't say I didn't warn you, you set yourself up to be hurt. I know I can be a bitch sometimes. Maybe the biggest one you'll ever meet. But if you can't deal with it, YOU'RE the one that's not worth my time. Unlike you, I'm not gonna wait around for you to forgive me. Your forgiveness is something that is absolutely useless to me. I'm waiting a long time for someone to come that's right for me. You can't blame me for trying to find out if you're that one. But you're not, so it's over. I feel no guilt.

Labels tend to stick on you, but my personality is like WATER.

Bipolar?

(11:04:18 PM): One more thing. Idk how I can fall for someone who breaks other peoples heart so carelessly. Someone like that is not the right person for me.
fuh rikanTiffany (11:04:44 PM): i'm glad you realized
(11:05:29 PM): And I still can't believe that anyone can be so cruel as to do such a thing
fuh rikanTiffany (11:05:42 PM): yup
fuh rikanTiffany (11:05:44 PM): i know
(11:07:03 PM): Someone like that cannot be a child of God. that's just what I think
fuh rikanTiffany (11:07:20 PM): wow.
fuh rikanTiffany (11:07:21 PM): okay
(11:12:20 PM): That was wrong. Forget I said that. I wasn't thinking again.
fuh rikanTiffany (11:14:06 PM): then why'd you say it?
(11:15:21 PM): I just felt angry that I wanted to get at you with something but anger only leads to hatred and God teaches us to love one another
fuh rikanTiffany (11:15:51 PM): -______- whatever.
fuh rikanTiffany (11:15:54 PM): just go to sleep
fuh rikanTiffany (11:15:57 PM): i'm done talking

Wow, boys are so stupid! Yeaaaah, I'm a heart breaker. I'm sorry. It's immature of me, but I deal with it like a responsible person. Yup, cruel can describe me. Hey, I never said I was nice. Just grow up, would you? You're in high school now. No one cares if some bitch breaks your heart. It's not that big a deal. Stop creating drama where there is none. And dang, stop being so bipolar. Stop calling. It's pissing me off.

Liars Breed Liars

Lost a best friend today. Over what? A liar. I hate this guy. I hate him. Hate his guts. Everything I used to like about him, hate about him. I'm so tired of trying to make things work. Trying to get my best friend back. Tired of seeing my best friend hang out with him instead of me. Tired of seeing them text each other. Tired of my best friend calling him his best friend instead of me. Yes, I'm jealous. I'm not usually a jealous person. I'm furious now. What can I say? Liars will only breed more liars. And more lies mean more pain for Tiffany. I'm done. Tired of trying to win my best friend back.

Strange...

Why does my heart hurt all of the sudden when I intentionally ignore you? Now I miss you, DFT.

Reminiscing

전에, 내가 거기에 다른 사람이되지 않을 수 있다고 생각하지만, 당신과 나. 난 그 누군가가 나를 위해 당신보다 더 완벽하게되지 않을 수 있다고 생각합니다. 하지만 지금은 괜찮 아요. 나는 내가 생각했던 것보다 더 강하거든요. 내가 다시보고 말하고, "왜 내가 그 얘기를하는거야?"될 수있을 필요가없습니다 마치 내가 그랬던 것 때문에, 당신은 필요하지 않습니다. 시간이 좀 강해졌다. 하지만 가끔은 내가 아직도 당신을 그리워 나쁜 것일까요? 난 아직도 "이 질문을 어떻게 ...?" 때때로. 나는 가끔은 걸어서 학교 주변과 당신이 바로 내 과거를 걸어 볼 수있다. 재미있은 우리가 어떻게 이렇게 가까이해야하고 사용 지금 우리는 거의 모르는 사람이야. 난 그냥 궁금 너 혹시 내 생각?

I Wish

I wish I lived in a world where there are constant reasons to be happy, one after the other. I wish I lived in a world where you wake up to see the sun every morning. I wish I lived in a world where rainbows are so easily visible after a shower. I wish I lived in a world where my family were always supportive. I wish I lived in a world where everyone held hands and war wouldn't ever exist. I wish I lived in a world where there was just, constant love. But I don't. I live in a world with constant reasons to be frustrated, one after the other. I live in a world where there's not a lot of sun that can see you through the clouds. I live in a world where rainbows are rare to find after troubles. I live in a world where I will never build up to the expectations given to me by my family. I live in a world where there's drugs, alcohol, addiction, death, abortion, human trafficking, slavery, poverty, hate.

But I know that wishing will do you no good. That's why I support for a better life. For all of us.

Won't you?... http://www.values.com/

20 Secrets

1. I'm scared of flickering lights.
2. I like dating older guys who can drive.
3. I think I'm still attracted to the person that hurt me the most.
4. I wish I didn't walk away.
5. I don't regret anything that I've done in the past few months.
6. I'm never prepared to fall in love, but I'm always prepared to fall out of it.
7. I always think about how a boyfriend and I will break up when I first get together with him.
8. I like a freshman. Hey! I know a lot of girls that do!
9. I like two of the same kind.
10. I joined track and field for the completely wrong reasons - a boy. So stupid...
11. I made a promise to my mom that I would never run away, and I never have, never will.
12. I'm a flirt, but that's no secret.
13. I don't like talking to people on the phone for too long unless I'm comfortable with them.
14. I hate it when kids in elementary school already know cuss words and use them. Number one pet peeve.
15. I don't like the color pink too much. Guess what color the majority of my room is...
16. I've never imagined my wedding before (with exception of wedding songs, haha).
17. I say that I don't care anymore, but I still wish my dad didn't smoke because I still love him.
18. I don't like perfectionists; I guess I don't like myself.
19. I let my head do too much of the thinking when my heart should have its say.
20. I'll probably deny most of these secrets if you ask me in person :)

You Ever Get That Feeling?

You ever get that feeling? Like, when you're sitting in your room doing whatever it is you do, you stop. You think. And then you just get this... feeling. I would imagine is different for everyone. Mine, however, is melancholy. I feel kind of... bored of life, really. I feel like life is too repetitive, just like the seasons we go through every year. It's just a constant high and low. People expect too much of you and you can't really seem to make those expectations. I go through my days trying hard to smile and be happy, but inside I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. No one ever does hear me though. Or, they do. It's just no one cares enough to listen. Maybe this is the price of the air we breathe. I never get...excited anymore. Do you remember when you were a kid? Your parents may have taken you on a big trip somewhere, be it the amusement park or out of state or country. You could hardly sleep through the night because you were just rocketed with excitement and anticipation. I never get that feeling anymore. When important dates come, I just go through it like any other day. Feels like happiness is sucked completely out of my life. Feels like everyone can see it, but no one cares enough to make me happy. Feels like constant expectations. Feels like... just life in general.


There's gotta be more than this...

Bad Guy

You know that feeling you get when everyone you thought was on your side, is actually opposed to you? I feel like I did something wrong, like I'm the bad guy. I feel like I'm the one to blame for everything. I feel like I have no say in what things should be like. I feel like I'm on my own. Which is okay, because I don't really care walking alone. But I shouldn't have to take the crap that is given to me. Yeah, I know I'm a bitch. It's just who I am, it's how you can tell I'm really honest. I know I'm not the best person, but I'm trying to better myself. I think pity is unnecessary in this situation. If you feel bad, fine. But don't blame it on me.
Anyway... on a happier note...

I went to Albertson's today because they were having a sale on their cookies today! I really love them, ahaha. So anyway, I guess I was so excited that I actually told everyone about it. By the car ride there made me really tired though, and I didn't feel like walking into the store. But I got my cookies :) And now they're in my tummy. I love them, they're so good! Okay done!

Interview

Yeah, needless to say, I was kinda DEATHLY afraid? But luckily, they told us we could interview in groups! So I was interviewed with one of my BEST friends, Ciarra. Lucky me :) By the way, you should really check out her videos on YouTube! She's amazing!http://www.youtube.com/user/CiarraMarie03 FALL IN LOVE AND SUBSCRIBE! Anyway... we waited to be interviewed by Theresa, 'cause we love her. The interview went really smoothly; I guess I was afraid for nothing... haha. Stupid Johnny kept throwing pens at me; I wanted to slap him. He's so weird. My interview ended at 7:30, but I stayed longer than I should have. Ummm, I guess that was kinda the highlight of my day. Everything else is no bueno. I'm tired from the meet. Ummm, I'm so tired of boys right now. There's too many... haha. Time to switch teams! Haha, I don't know.

Makes Me Laugh

I think it's kinda funny when people do things that they think will make me jealous.
I get a good laugh from it all, haha. I love you people, you make my day a whole lot better ;)

OH YEAH! Just about one of the COOLEST people in the world that I know just made me this new awesome screen name! But it's a secret, I won't tell you what it is. 'Cause I only talk to cool people on it. Bye.

Just Another Day...

Today I'm pretty tired... I sincerely hate block scheduling. It makes me feel like my school day is dragged out longer than usual. So, tomorrow is my last chance to qualify for League's. I hope I make it... It's also my confirmation interview tomorrow, so I have to leave right after track to get there. To be honest, I'm not happy right now. I feel like everyone is expecting something of me and the pressure is hard to handle. Since I had a lot of time on my hands today, I got to thinking about a lot of things. Particularly, things that have happened recently. I don't know, I just hope that the friendships that I've worked so hard to build don't fall apart on me. I don't want that happening again. I've also come to realize that I need a person (I let walk out of my life last year) more than I thought I did. So hard to say, I really miss him being my best friend. Maybe it was my fault. He did all the trying and I did nothing... I don't remember what even lead to fights in the first place. All I know is that, I'm starting to miss him and the friendship we had for countless years. Ehh, I'm done. Oh yeah, I hate liars. I never wanna make friends with someone like that again. Gosh...