Mark It

That face you gave me is still engraved in my mind. It always will be.
And I'll never forgive you for that.

Stripped

Coming home from retreat, I knew I would have my challenges cut out for me. Haah, God you're so unpredictable! I absolutely had no idea it would come so quickly and who it's with is even more shocking. Just like any other, I stepped out those doors to come back home and I was stripped. I feel like everything I did on that retreat was in vain. It doesn't matter. None of the teens felt nothing. I failed.


Thanks for pointing it out to me. Now I know what to do on the next one.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and you didn't kill me.

STOP SKIPPING THANKSGIVING!

Maybe it's my own personal thing, but I prefer Thanksgiving over Christmas for a few reasons:

• It's so neglected when the holidays come around. People only give it attention because it's the day before Black Friday shopping... haha how shallow.
• Sometimes, we have to stop and give thanks before anything else, we have to thank those who made us who we are, good and bad, and who brought us here.
• Thanksgiving is a lot more calm than Christmas... Christmas is just so hectic sometimes... Thanksgiving is more serene so I can take things more seriously.

But speaking of giving thanks, there are a few people especially I need to thank. Thank you mom and dad and sisters, no one is more amusing than you all. Thank you Auntie Julie for picking me up on Fridays and taking me out to eat. Thank you Kathy Luu for checking up on me ever so often. Thank you Haylie Chu for making the effort even though sometimes its not reciprocated. Thank you Judy Nguyen for telling me when you're bored and actually pushing me to make plans to go out other than staying at home. Thank you Binnie Truong for your honesty and your realization that things aren't the same anymore... and that's okay. Thank you Kevin Nguyen for being my everything. Thank you Ciarra Academia for trusting me to tell me all your troubles. Thank you Tony Vu for asking me for prayer intentions constantly. Thank you LLT for always asking me if I need help with closing prayer. Above all, thank you God for... endless things a blog cannot contain.

For You, "Father"

HONESTLY. I don't understand you, Dad. You tell me, in my younger years, that I can do anything I set my mind to. That nothing is too out of my reach. Eleven years later, everything is too "out there" and "unreasonable". Do you think I'm stupid? Honestly. Your own daughter is too stupid to apply to UC schools. I guess that's a reflection of yourself. This isn't fair. This is hardly fair. This isn't fair at all.
"You know when I was back in Vietnam, we..." I fucking hate that phrase. Okay, you're here now. In America. I get it, you had hardships. But is my life really that much of a fucking cakewalk? Try having a dad like YOU. It's hard. Basically, only mom is raising me. The only thing you're good for is making money. You don't do shit for this family. You tell me that I shouldn't even be spending money on college applications because you can't pay for it while your laptop is on your lap and you're buying ridiculous shit that you really don't fucking need. Maybe going to college wouldn't be so hard financially if you SAVED money like you're supposed to for my college funds. I hate you right now. With every ounce of hate I could possibly hate all the people in the world with, I waste it on you. How dare you build me up with these lies that I'm good enough and that I'm smart and that I could go to any school and then tell me now that I'm basically no good at anything and that I shouldn't try and that I should be reasonable when I apply to schools because we're "tight on money" and it's hard to find a job that is within my expectations.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I know that the economy is shit and that things won't come easily to me. Being reasonable? Okay, I get it. You want me to have some shit dead-end job that makes adequate money just so that I'll be financially stable. I'll tell you now, "father", that I am NOT willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of being reasonable. I will not pursue a career in something that I don't love. I'm not going to live my life on the safe side like you and mom. Look where that got you both. You don't even love each other. It's a shame to see, but more of a shame to become. And I can assure you that I will be NOTHING like you.
I'm sorry that the schools of my choice are so expensive and so far away. Honestly, the further I get from you, the better. If I could wrap up my whole life in this city and ship it to the other end of the world, I would. And you, "father", will be the only one left.
Fine. I won't spend your money on UC apps. I'm sorry I even fucking asked. You're right. I'm a no good piece of shit that will never amount up to anything. There will never be any fruit of my labor. So why waste the energy. But I hope you know, "father", that when you see me wasting away on the street, harnessing whatever is left of my tarnished heart, hopes, and dreams, I hope you know that I, still, am nothing like you. I may not make the hefty income you do, I may not have a house or have any way to make ends meet. I still have not sacrificed my integrity for the sake of the economy. Though I'll be weak, my heart and mind will be stronger than yours. Always.

Update

EVERYONE has a TUMBLR. But I'm a noncomformist. :)

Things have been okay lately. I've been starting to think about where I really want to go to school next year. In/Out of state? In OC? Yeah, I'm still indecisive. There's a part of me that really wants to get away and see what else there is in the world. But there's still that childish, innate part of me that wants to be home, because its all I know. I realize that I should be open to different experiences, and trust me, that's one of the factors tying me to out of state. But there's the other note, financial problems. Okay well, I'll admit my parents' income together is not lowly at all, but our spendings? Expensive. We have five mouths to feed, plus my older sister's college education. My teacher told me when he remembered classes for college used to be $5. That's insane. Classes now are so freaken expensive. But my teacher is kind of a dinosaur. Well enough about college and such, I need to start focusing on what's left of my time in high school.

Before we know it, we'll graduate and be out the free education system. Time to grow up? We can't be seventeen forever.

Judases

I've never felt more hurt or betrayed in my life. Ever.

Not In My Book

Those who cannot fix their own relationships, should not give relationship advice.
It's a shame you can't see the pain in her eyes, or maybe you can. Maybe you just don't care. You don't know the endless sleepless hours she's been through, the tears she's cried. Every wrinkle and bag under her eyes are because of you. You've robbed her of her youth and her happiness. I can't believe that you think it's okay to flirt or talk to other women they way you do. I'm not stupid, and neither is she. We know. We just don't say anything. But mark my words, you will regret it. I will make your life hell. I will destroy you and hurt you and punish you just like you did to her. I don't give a crap about loyalty. Those who do not practice loyalty don't deserve it. It's just a shame that you can get away with so much of the bullshit you dish out. It's astonishing how much crap you can pull out of your mouth about family and respect and love, when in the long run, they're just words. Because of you, I'm afraid to love. But, fear not shall I? You and I have no relation, not in my book.

(in)Destructible

I'll admit I'm completely irresponsible with my feelings.
But I'm suffering enough with everything else.


And you.
I still remember you.
Sucks we never met.
Sucks we never will.

Buddy Ol' Pal

Why do we even consider each other friends anymore? Shit, we're acquaintances. Fuck that, we're strangers. You said you were sorry for giving me the cold shoulder and you'll better it. Haaah, I was stupid to believe you. You're just like how everyone says you are. You're a bitch who just moves from one group of friends to the next. And the truth is, you don't even give a shit. If you don't, neither should I. I'm sick of standing up for you and making excuses for you when people bag on you. You said we'd be "friends forever", something you said yourself you don't believe in. You made me believe in you, then you let me down. That's what hurts the most. I'm a pretty forgiving person and I fucking hate that about myself. But fuck this shit because I'm not going to be like that anymore. This is it, I'm not turning back, and there's nothing you can say or do that'll change that. You can't keep our friendship together if you're ignoring me. It's like lining up pennies on a ruler. Soon you'll have lined up too many on one end, pennies will fall from the other end. You use people, that's what you do. And I don't need to be around people like that. I made a commitment to you, but you won't meet me half way. So yeah, peace out.

Summer Kickoff

I know it hasn't even been a week of summer vacation, but I can already feel myself starting to change. I won't say if it's a good or bad change, because everyone has their own perspective of it. As for myself, I will claim it neutral.
I'm beginning to speak for myself and really not give a care about how people react to it. I'm learning not to trust too easily, and I'm learning who my real friends are. I'm beginning to let go of the things I find excess to my life, whether it be physical objects or people.
My aunt gave me a serious talk about being open to new experiences. I'm so locked into what I know that I'll never learn new things. And she's right. I've been so uniformly stuck in my own little world. I wanna break free.
So anyway, I've been up to Frisco this weekend and I'm heading to Pennsylvania soon. Seems like this summer is gonna be some adventure.


Look up, little kids.

Pandora's Box

Pandora opened a box that she was not allowed to open under any circumstances. Her curiosity released all the evils of the world free.

It's stupid to cry; it's been so long. So why do I still feel this heaviness in my heart when I read these letters? Maybe it was my own fault for opening this box and looking through these things. I've moved on and I've gone past the four mark. But I guess time has proven futile. I've reverted back to my freshman year: this immature little girl who thought she knew what love was. But I didn't. But I know better now. I'll get through this.

There was something I forgot to mention. Pandora may have released all the evils into the world, but there was one thing that she managed to save. And that was hope.

The Biggest Monster

Repression.
I don't talk openly about my feelings too often, other than the quick "I'm sad/I'm hungry/I'm tired...etc."
I don't like talking about my feelings because honestly, people won't understand me. Most of them just tell me "Oh, cheer up" or "That's okay...it'll get better".
Really, the only person I can tell my feelings to is Binnie Truong. He doesn't give me that comfort that most people do. For instance, if I said, "Binnie, I'm pissed at life and I know it's not gonna get any better and I hate this. I just wish I'd die," he would say, "Yeah, me too. F*ck life. Let's die together." And that, my friend, is one of the reasons why I love him. He's so easily relatable.
The monster is when my anger just randomly comes out. I repress all my anger. I know it's not healthy for me, but I can't help it. Most of the time, I hold it in because I know it's not the right time to be angry. I let it out at the most unexpected times though. I hate this about me.
I'm easily upset. I take things too personally, but it keeps me on my toes. I know you can't trust everyone. So I don't. I've shown my true self to maybe one or two people. Gladly, these people are still in my life. They accept me<3;
But if I were to show you the real me, you wouldn't be in my life, trust me. The biggest monster, without a doubt, is me.

Can't Be

First off, I'd just like to bring it to your attention that this is my 100th blog post :) ehehe.

I've been in a veiled depression. You know the depression that you know is there... but it just hasn't hit you... yet. The fact of it is, I've been depressed for awhile now. I don't know what really caused it, but I don't really care either. There's like this... peace, that's keeping me from feeling this depression though. I'm so grateful for this serenity, but at the same time, I hate it. I wish that it wouldn't block the depression that I know is bound to come. I wish the depression would just hit, so I could be sad and get over it. I'm so conflicted inside. I long so much to feel happiness, but I also want to be angry and hurt and just sorrowed, just to get over it.

I never make much sense with my words, writing doesn't come easily for me. I backspace more often than I type out what I want to say. I tend to write in circles; I repeat and reword because I'm unoriginal. But I like this about myself.

Motivation

I have a new motivation.
And that is, Mom, to prove you wrong. I DO give a shit about my grades. And maybe they're not good enough on your eyes, but I am who I am. I make mistakes. I sometimes forget to do homework, or maybe I'm tired and don't have the energy to do it. But I'm still your daughter. Where's your unconditional positive regard? Am I a failure in your eyes?

Well, you know what? I'm only doing well in school because YOU want me to. I don't do it for me, like you always say I do. I don't, I don't care about school. Honestly, I couldn't care less which college I get into. I don't care if I even go to college. I do this because I love you. But you don't love me enough to look past my imperfections. "I want you to look at this, look at your grades, and feel bad."
Who the hell says that? I have straight A's, other than that one C. I'm not good at math. I've never been good at math. I never will be good at math. That's just who I am.
I'm sorry I can't be the well-rounded person you so desperately want me to be. But I promise you this, I'll do my best in school, like you say I do, I'll do it for me. I'll do it so I can get the chance to go wherever the hell I want. Whatever school I want after high school, I'll do it so I can get there. Trust me, it won't be any school near you though. I love you, but I can't stand this anymore.

Sometimes in life, when you love someone, you do things that make them happy. Sometimes you act that smile to fool them into thinking that you're fine. But you know it, when you're alone, you're not happy. That smile you put on is fake, and everyday, you live knowing you have to wake up in the morning, and put on that same stupid act, just for the happiness of others.

Overboard

So I guess I slipped and fell over.
All that's left of me is my soul in shards.

Too late to pick me up.
You've let me down.

Peace of Mind

With all this testing going on, it's hard to have time for myself to clear my head. In attempt to achieve some peace of mind, I walked home from church yesterday after second shift. Aside from the heavy shoulders and the sore feet, my walk home was enjoyable. I was already drained because I had been out the whole day. I got a lot of thinking done at that time too. But what I remember most from my walk home was this one moment. I was walking down my street and I suddenly stopped out of nowhere and looked to the sky. It was like something took over me. I heard a voice within me ask me, "What wouldn't you give up to be with God?" My mind drew a blank. I couldn't think of anything. At that moment, I would've given up anything and everything.
Reality set in again. I was only a few minutes from my house. I sighed and walked on. Life continues. This repetitive, monotonous life still drives on.
For the past few weeks, I've been getting this urge to just pack up and leave this small town cluttered with conformity and uniformity. I wanted to be out there with nature. Much less extreme than transcendentalism, of course.  "I've sucked the marrow out of..." Orange County. I just need to be somewhere where my curiosities can roam free and take me to the some place spontaneous. Someone, take me away. Let's just get lost in ourselves.

Easy

Let's not deny it. You would be better off without me. All of you would be better off without me. All I do is complicate your life and drag you down with me. Friends aren't supposed to do that. Friends are supposed to make your life easier. With all the stress and complications, friends are supposed to relieve you from that. But clearly, I am incapable of that. I don't do enough. It's not because I don't care though. I just don't know how. I suck at comforting people. That's why when people come to me with their problems and frustrations, I malfunction. I'm not the type to know what to say at the right time; all I can do is listen and give you very little feedback.

So let's make this easy, shall we? The less interaction you have with me, the better off you are.

Tagged

I've been tagged ): And usually, I wouldn't do these types of things, but I am because I'm bored out of my mind. I'm not feeling really well either. Maybe it's the weather; it's probably bringing me down. It's okay. I'll live. We all will. Okay, let's get started, shall we?

50 Random Things

1. I have an obsession with high heels, but I've never worn anything higher than 4'.
2. I look horrible in hats.
3. My long hair is pissing me off because it's high maintenance.
4. I miss my best friend and I wish she were at my school again.
5. I'm becoming more Facebook addicted.
6. I'm scared the world will end in 2012.
7. I absolutely hate bugs, especially mosquitoes, cicadas, and june bugs.
8. Sadly, I'm a DG.
9. My favorite flower is the Himalayan Lily; it takes SEVEN years to grow completely...yeah.
10. I wish I were chubbier ): LOL.
11. I was born with speech impairment, but you can barely notice it now other than my small stuttering problem :)
12. I'm scared of the dark and I refuse to sleep with my legs dangling out over my bed.
13. I have an intense fear of people leaving me, but I know not everyone stays.
14. I'm nervous to take AP exams.
15. I stay up for no reason... well, maybe there is a reason ;)
16. I miss my grandma...
17. I won't live up to expectations, so stop expecting and just accept.
18. I use my laptop while in the shower. I know, I'm amazing.
19. I need texting, MOM, DAD!
20. My lower back hurts most of the time.
21. I really don't care much about my health.
22. I get sick easily, but I haven't much this year :)
23. I'm not a morning person.
24. I wish I were a little kid again.
25. I don't throw around "I love yous".
26. My favorite genre of books is non-fiction :)
27. I'm not a huge Sci-Fi fan.
28. I don't like watching action movies much either.
29. I like apple juice :)
30. I absolutely adore children.
31. I am in more ways like my mother than anyone else.
32. Some days, I come home, pour out my soul to my mom and hug her for a really long time.
33. Rainbow jelly > boba, always.
34. My love life is like Romeo and Juliet... no joke. It sucks.
35. I like crazy teachers, haha. Outgoing ones.
36. GMH > FML > MLIA.
37. My 11:11 wishes are actually prayers because I always say "Lord, I wish..." I just noticed that.. haha
38. English/Linguistics > Math
39. I speak Spanish better than Vietnamese... probably.
40. I have a fetish for dolphins.
41. I don't like bananas... but I'll eat them anyway because I'm bored.
42. I want to return to Cancun whenever I get the chance.
43. I wish more families were close like my mom's side.
44. Chest hair freaks me out. That is ...not attractive.
45. I'm not big on studying.
46. I want to be a pediatric nurse... or something that involves caring for children :)
47. Big to you is not big to me.
48. When I spend more than $30 on ONE thing, I feel horrible.
49. I can't really tell when there's an earthquake.
50. I like versatile music that other people probably hate.

Okay done! So I'm going to tag...



Just kidding! Heck, I'm not gonna tag anyone :)

Sick, Sicken, Sunk.

I'm sick of all this bull. All this crap. I'm sick of it. I'm giving up. Tear me from limb to limb if you must. Grate me of my dignity if it is necessary. I've given up. I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of this. I don't wanna fight anymore. I don't wanna be upset anymore. I just wanna be...nothing. I don't wanna feel anything. I couldn't care less if it were happiness. I'd give up experiencing emotions if it meant giving up all this hurt and all this crap that is loitering my life.

Wo bu pa, dai wo zou.

Regress/Progress?

HappyMonsters makes me happy (: Just sayin'.

Remember when I said I could regress? Well, now I wanna grow up faster. I'm confusing, I know.
Um, it's pretty late right now, but I can't sleep. I keep thinking of things... how things would be different if I made different choices... Would I be happier than I am now? Or would I just have made things worse?

Well, I don't know, but whatever. I'm happy right now. I've got everything and everyone I need. That's all I should ask for right?



Right.

Old Love

You can't deny it. When you see an old couple in love, you want that. But the sad truth of it is, most people don't stay in love forever. I mean, they might, but the chances of them showing it is slim to none. I can't help but notice that the majority of these couples are white. I'm not being racist or anything, but how often do you see an Asian old couple holding hands? Things like that are rarely seen. Although, I saw it ONCE. This old man and woman - both Asian - were waiting to cross the street. The old lady was holding her groceries and the light signaled them to cross the street. Her husband took her groceries in one hand, took her hand in the other, and lead her across the street. When they had crossed the street, the woman extended her arm to take the groceries back. Her husband smiled, kissed her on the cheek, took her hand again, and they began walking again. Sadly, this is the only encounter I've had with this situation. I don't even see so much as my parents kissing. Are they still in love? Were they ever in love? I don't know. All I know is, I don't want to get married and not be in love during my marriage. I don't care if the gray hairs and the lines come in, I want to be in love and be loved, from beginning to end.

Happy? Birthday to... Me

As everyone wishes me a Happy Birthday, I can't help but laugh wildly on the inside. Happy? What's so happy about it? Today is the shittiest birthday I've ever had. In all my attempts to get through the day with a smile on my face, I have failed. I hate today. No, I despise today. Today should have never happened. Well, at least not the way it should have. I hate this feeling. Being alone. On my birthday. Because I am alone.
I can't even tell my mom what's on my mind, and she's the one I run to for everything. I hate that I'm not telling her what's going on and how I'm feeling because she worries about me too much. But I just can't tell her. I can't tell anyone.

What are you afraid of? Or do you just not care at all?
I'm sick of being called on my crap. It's time you're called on yours.

Five Second Homework Assignments and Two Hour Naps

SCHOOL. It's wearing me down. I'm tired of studying and staying up until 3 to finish projects. I miss my sleep and I feel like my bed and I are going to break up, LOL. Summer vacation, could you come already?!
We have three more months filled with SATs, AP Exams, finals, and CST testing. And all the pressure is getting to me! I'm afraid of the future. I don't wanna have to think about applying to UCs, and other colleges. I don't want to have to think about getting rejected from these universities because my GPA sucks. Does it even help if I'm a well-rounded person with 454865657912 hours of community service, plus clubs and sports? I'm scared that I won't be accepted anywhere and I'm gonna have to go to OCC. Not that it's a bad school, but I expect more from myself. ...Part of me wants to go to UCSB, but another part of me is afraid of leaving home.

Remember how easy we had it? In elementary school, we had 5 second homework assignments, and when we got home, we could knock out for two hours. We had it so easy. But I was naive; I thought it would last. And now that it doesn't, I keep finding myself wanting to regress back into those old times. Now I feel regret; our parents didn't want us to grow up so fast, but we did. I feel stupid for wanting to be more mature because look at where it's gotten me. I'm only 16 and I'm worrying about things like no other. "Youth is wasted on the young"

So now, I'm planning for my own children (if I'm ever able to have any). They're gonna live everyday up, and spend as much time as possible enjoying themselves. I promise not to push them so hard on growing up and getting a good job like my parents. Whatever it is, whatever happens, things will work out. I don't want my kids to learn algebra before they learn how to walk. I don't want to instigate pressure on them to be the best and the brightest of the bunch. I don't want them to have to grow up feeling regret about not living their childhood with as much laughter as possible. I don't want any of it. "Life's goal is to fight maturity"

Stupid?

I know who I am, and I'm aware of my capacity for things. I don't take compliments well, nor do I take insults well. I used to let people make fun of me, but I'm not that person anymore. I don't care whether or not you're joking, it hurts my feelings. I used to let people walk all over me, but I don't anymore. I'm fed up with all the constant bullying and insulting I've been putting up with. In elementary school, I was practically a doormat. I was easily persuaded into ridiculous things that nearly cost me my future. So forgive me if I'm the type that is defensive when it comes to hurting my feelings. I'm just not as strong as other people are, and I don't have the ability to brush things off easily as other people do. But I for one will not tolerate people calling me names like that involve calling me stupid. I'm NOT stupid. And I will NOT stand for it. I may have made fun of some people because of what they've DONE, but NEVER will I call someone stupid as if they were mentally challenged and mean it. Today's society fuels us up, telling us that calling other people names that have to do with them being mentally challenged is okay. But it's not. It's far from "okay". It's insulting to the person being called that name, AND to the people that are actually mentally challenged. If you can't respect me, how can you be my friend? And how can I be yours?

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE; JUST BY DOING THAT, YOU'RE ALREADY INSULTING ME.
But I guess I should be used to it by now.

Asdfghjkl;'

I hate it when you're having a conversation, and you really need some comfort or assistance or something, and the person you run to for it.... just brings everything back to them, and how hard it is on them...
IT ANNOYS THE LIVING HECK OUTTA ME.

Ugh, you think you know someone...

Birthday Wish List

So, people have been asking me what I want for my birthday since it's coming up. And honestly, what I want, you guys can't get me.


What I want for my birthday;

1. For my dad to remember it without having to be told or reminded by anyone.

Just an Update

Today was a good day. Things have been going my way lately. But, I miss getting to see my best friend every day at school ): I wish she didn't have to go to Hare. But just knowing she'll come back next year makes me happy (:
Happy Birthday to everyone with birthdays in March! That's a LOT of people. Spring babies, unite!
There's like, 20 more days until my birthday! Which, for, I want to go to IKEA!<3 Because I love furniture (: And no lie, their food is pretty good.
Otherwise, I see no point in celebrating my birthday... haha.

Alright, byeee BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

40 Days

Yup folks, it's that time of year again. It's the MOST wonderful tiiime, of the year!
That's right, give it up for the LENTEN SEASON! I could go into detail about... what lent is all about... but I'm sure you already know ;D
So tell me what you're giving up, people! I have given up SNACKING. Yes, a hard and difficult task. I've given up my social life online (FB, MYSPACE, etc.) and meat previous years. But I don't know... this one's gonna be a toughie.

 Anyway...
This is a special shout out to my friend PETER!: HI PETER! I just wanted to let you know that you are amazing :D And it's been over ONE year that I've known you! Time sure flies, am I right?! Well anyway, I just thought I should give you a shout out because you've been there for me lately (: &You probably don't even know it... So thanks! You're a good friend ;D

Okay, ttfn!

Delayed Gratification

I don't even know how to explain where I'm at with this right now.
I'm banking a lot on this relationship, but still I expect almost nothing out of you. It's confusing. I'M confusing. The honest truth is, I'm not putting my heart on the line if nothing is coming out right now. I'm better off by myself, not synchronized with whatever my heart's content may be. I'm tired of apologizing and forgiving, and that's all that ever seems to happen in this unrequited love, isn't it? Forgive and be forgiven, forgive and be forgiven; this isn't working. I signed up for more than this. But what happens if this is all just an illusion of the heart? I don't want to be the one loving with my mind, and not my heart. I'm having my doubts... "What if they're right?" I can't tell you how many times this question runs through my head.
I heard once that you must fall in and out of love three times before you meet the one.
You must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect - so that you learn nobody is perfect.
You must fall in love with someone exactly like you - so that you learn who you are and who you want to become.
You must fall in love with your best friend - so that you know the line set between friendship and relationship.

I don't know if something's there, or if I'm just pretending there is. But I can't beckon on love whenever I want.


Today was just... wth. Haha. A life ended. A life started. I guess it just shows you a lot can happen with the new year, but in both scenarios, something has STARTED.

Middleman

In the middle. The worst place to be. I !@#$%^&* hate it.
I don't even know what's going on. What the heck happened that caused me to be so off guard?
What happens when you're caught in the middle? With the red flags pulling you farther away and that white flag you intend to raise is now impossible to do? I don't know where to go on from here. This is why every time I come back from retreat, I hate this feeling. Reality is setting in again. I keep forgetting time and time again to turn to God. So much so that I'm giving myself up to the wrong things that I think will make me better, but they don't.

Although I've just gotten home, I haven't begun to unpack yet. I know that as soon as I set everything back into it's place, just like so, my life will be on the same page it was before I went to retreat. Ugh, I remember getting off the charter bus repeating, "I don't wanna go home, I don't wanna go home. Take me back." And now, sitting in this very prison I call my room, is depressing me. I'm frustrated and tears are starting to fall. Why is nothing EVER simple anymore? I know that is life were simple, then we wouldn't learn anything and it wouldn't be interesting but still... just a bit of simplicity would be nice.

I'm sitting in this chair, blogging away on my emotions that actually aren't dissolving. I'm crying right now, but how would that make things better? It's safe to say that I'm the biggest loser there ever was and will be. They're right. No one will really understand you.





You can die from a broken heart, right?

Unpredictably Predictable

I couldn't be anymore upset over the fact that finals are coming up. Combined with necessity of studying for the SAT. Combined with the pressure of doing a whole hell of a lot better than my older sister.
You see, that's the kind of stupid expectation parents put on you when you're a younger child. And the one year difference I have to put up with isn't helping all so much either. Okay, I'm not saying that my sister is dumb. She's smart, she just has horrible study habits. And yeah, she passed all her classes junior year. Good for her. Now it's my turn. Other than the fact that I'm already taking on more than my sister did this year, my parents have been riding my back, expecting that I become a God-sent child that has the perfect grades, helps out at church, and comes at all bidding. The only expectations I have of myself this year is to pass all my classes and SAT/AP exams (? I hope), and to crawl in my bed by the end of the school year and pass out until school starts again.
Back to my sister though. Luckily for me, she didn't really apply herself last year, and my expectations are set lower. But of course, they're still very high. Set higher than the average junior. But then of course, I am Asian. I don't like the play the "I'm Asian" card all too much, but to me, it is a valid excuse.
When does all this studying end? There's a group of Facebook right now: "If the world ends in 2012, I wasted all my time in school". This perfectly describes my feeling. The sad thing is, even if the world does not end, I'll have to continue on in college for another 4-6 years. Maybe more.
I know my parents are wise and all, but when they say, "I'd rather be in school than at work, so don't complain!" it really pisses the hell out of me. First off, they picked jobs that they don't like, and I'll never have the intention to choose a life-long career that does not suit me. Secondly, today's educational criteria exceeds so much more than of that in the past. And lastly, if you wanna switch mom and dad, heck, I'm all for it.
I just miss my childhood a lot. Not that it was a kick ass great one, but because of how simple things were. Everything now is so rushed. It's all instant. I remember back in freshman year, I remember thinking about how easy I had it because I didn't have to think about my future too much. And now, it's a lot different. I'm pushed to take all these tests that may show inference to whom I should be in life.
After reading "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer, I long for a difference in society other than the expectations we put up with today. Everything imaginable is pushed in our faces: the dream to do well, the expectation to succeed, our body images, everything. I cannot find it fitting that I sit here passively and make friends with all prospects. We often think that the people we see out on the streets are stupid because they dropped out of school or got kicked out. We never thought to ourselves that there is the possibility that they are living that way because they want to. Maybe it's because they themselves knew long ago that they were fed up with all these guidelines and did not have the desire to follow by them.
Okay, time to put this rant to it's death. Only publicly, however. In my mind, these questions still arise.
Good luck with finals and everything, peeps.
GOOD LUCK WITH LIFE.

Thank God for Sunshine

So, the weather has been the topic of the week. It rained last week, practically all week. I'm just glad the weather's getting better.
It's not that I don't love rain, because I do. Really, I do. But you just get sick of it. "Too much of a good thing is bad for you"? Haha I don't know.
What I do know is the weather has been playing with our emotions like crazy. I'm serious though, no joke. Everyone's been so glum and upset. I'm guilty of it too. I guess it's just the mindset we're in.
So I guess, Thank God for breathing sunshine. Without it, my life as I know it would be most depressing.

Ugh, okay so lately, I've been pressured into giving up and giving in. Totally ignoring all my feelings, SOMEONE really doesn't get the position I'm stuck in. SOMEONE only sees the external problem at hand. And yeah, I can say, it sucks. The only way I can explain it is the "Keep it in my back pocket for a rainy day" model. I'm not totally stupid as to think that I can hold on forever. But I'm not that weak that I can't hold on for as long as it takes. I'm not expecting for him to understand me completely, but to at least see it from my point of view. Whatever, I'm ticked. But I'll get over it.
P.S. The person I'm referring to is NOT who you think it is (:
P.S.S. It's supposed to rain tomorrow...
"Rainy days are here again..."

Shepherds

Last summer, 2009, I remember praying to God. I remember my distinct words. "God, I'm afraid of losing you. Help me. I can't feel you." And clear as the day, God sent someone to me. Well, who knew he would come in wizard form? I've known this person for probably two years before really getting to know him. So we started talking more and more. And praying together. And hanging out. Little did I know, he had an invisible sign on his forehead that reads, "WARNING: This Man of God is deeply spiritual." And so it began. As we gradually talked more and more, I began to remember what it felt like when I was much younger. I remember when I was about six or seven years old, I absolutely loved following my mom and dad to their bible gatherings with their friends. And I loved it because there was even a group for the younger kids. There was this pictured bible that they had, and there would be activities in the bible that we could do. And yes, I still have this book. And yes, I still read it from time to time. Haha. But coming back on topic, I began to remember what it felt like to have God completely surround me. If you're older than me, and you've taken AP classes your junior year, you know it's no joke. The work is difficult and it's hard to find time for yourself. The first week I came back to school, I totally forgot about God. And so on came Giao Ly. We were beginning classes and for the first time, I talked to this person. And really talked. Like, connected. Spiritually. Granted, he did get me into trouble a couple of times, but God sent me what I asked for: someone to guide me back in my faith.
Did you know you could name your guardian angel? Like, any name you want. You can always change it too. So this person told me to pick a name for my angel. In respects for what he has done for me, I named my angel Tony, after the person who brought me back to my faith. And I really have no intention of changing it. Well, not anytime soon. All I can hope for is that we can stay friends forever, because I know that as long as he's my friend, I'll be closer to God, the proximity I need. So yes, Tony Vu. This is a shout out to you because you are so cool. And I mean it. You've done numerous things for all us teens, most of which you will never know of. But at least now, you know my story.
YOU are Beautiful.