Delayed Gratification

I don't even know how to explain where I'm at with this right now.
I'm banking a lot on this relationship, but still I expect almost nothing out of you. It's confusing. I'M confusing. The honest truth is, I'm not putting my heart on the line if nothing is coming out right now. I'm better off by myself, not synchronized with whatever my heart's content may be. I'm tired of apologizing and forgiving, and that's all that ever seems to happen in this unrequited love, isn't it? Forgive and be forgiven, forgive and be forgiven; this isn't working. I signed up for more than this. But what happens if this is all just an illusion of the heart? I don't want to be the one loving with my mind, and not my heart. I'm having my doubts... "What if they're right?" I can't tell you how many times this question runs through my head.
I heard once that you must fall in and out of love three times before you meet the one.
You must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect - so that you learn nobody is perfect.
You must fall in love with someone exactly like you - so that you learn who you are and who you want to become.
You must fall in love with your best friend - so that you know the line set between friendship and relationship.

I don't know if something's there, or if I'm just pretending there is. But I can't beckon on love whenever I want.


Today was just... wth. Haha. A life ended. A life started. I guess it just shows you a lot can happen with the new year, but in both scenarios, something has STARTED.