Middleman

In the middle. The worst place to be. I !@#$%^&* hate it.
I don't even know what's going on. What the heck happened that caused me to be so off guard?
What happens when you're caught in the middle? With the red flags pulling you farther away and that white flag you intend to raise is now impossible to do? I don't know where to go on from here. This is why every time I come back from retreat, I hate this feeling. Reality is setting in again. I keep forgetting time and time again to turn to God. So much so that I'm giving myself up to the wrong things that I think will make me better, but they don't.

Although I've just gotten home, I haven't begun to unpack yet. I know that as soon as I set everything back into it's place, just like so, my life will be on the same page it was before I went to retreat. Ugh, I remember getting off the charter bus repeating, "I don't wanna go home, I don't wanna go home. Take me back." And now, sitting in this very prison I call my room, is depressing me. I'm frustrated and tears are starting to fall. Why is nothing EVER simple anymore? I know that is life were simple, then we wouldn't learn anything and it wouldn't be interesting but still... just a bit of simplicity would be nice.

I'm sitting in this chair, blogging away on my emotions that actually aren't dissolving. I'm crying right now, but how would that make things better? It's safe to say that I'm the biggest loser there ever was and will be. They're right. No one will really understand you.





You can die from a broken heart, right?