Motivation

I have a new motivation.
And that is, Mom, to prove you wrong. I DO give a shit about my grades. And maybe they're not good enough on your eyes, but I am who I am. I make mistakes. I sometimes forget to do homework, or maybe I'm tired and don't have the energy to do it. But I'm still your daughter. Where's your unconditional positive regard? Am I a failure in your eyes?

Well, you know what? I'm only doing well in school because YOU want me to. I don't do it for me, like you always say I do. I don't, I don't care about school. Honestly, I couldn't care less which college I get into. I don't care if I even go to college. I do this because I love you. But you don't love me enough to look past my imperfections. "I want you to look at this, look at your grades, and feel bad."
Who the hell says that? I have straight A's, other than that one C. I'm not good at math. I've never been good at math. I never will be good at math. That's just who I am.
I'm sorry I can't be the well-rounded person you so desperately want me to be. But I promise you this, I'll do my best in school, like you say I do, I'll do it for me. I'll do it so I can get the chance to go wherever the hell I want. Whatever school I want after high school, I'll do it so I can get there. Trust me, it won't be any school near you though. I love you, but I can't stand this anymore.

Sometimes in life, when you love someone, you do things that make them happy. Sometimes you act that smile to fool them into thinking that you're fine. But you know it, when you're alone, you're not happy. That smile you put on is fake, and everyday, you live knowing you have to wake up in the morning, and put on that same stupid act, just for the happiness of others.

Overboard

So I guess I slipped and fell over.
All that's left of me is my soul in shards.

Too late to pick me up.
You've let me down.

Peace of Mind

With all this testing going on, it's hard to have time for myself to clear my head. In attempt to achieve some peace of mind, I walked home from church yesterday after second shift. Aside from the heavy shoulders and the sore feet, my walk home was enjoyable. I was already drained because I had been out the whole day. I got a lot of thinking done at that time too. But what I remember most from my walk home was this one moment. I was walking down my street and I suddenly stopped out of nowhere and looked to the sky. It was like something took over me. I heard a voice within me ask me, "What wouldn't you give up to be with God?" My mind drew a blank. I couldn't think of anything. At that moment, I would've given up anything and everything.
Reality set in again. I was only a few minutes from my house. I sighed and walked on. Life continues. This repetitive, monotonous life still drives on.
For the past few weeks, I've been getting this urge to just pack up and leave this small town cluttered with conformity and uniformity. I wanted to be out there with nature. Much less extreme than transcendentalism, of course.  "I've sucked the marrow out of..." Orange County. I just need to be somewhere where my curiosities can roam free and take me to the some place spontaneous. Someone, take me away. Let's just get lost in ourselves.