Unpredictably Predictable

I couldn't be anymore upset over the fact that finals are coming up. Combined with necessity of studying for the SAT. Combined with the pressure of doing a whole hell of a lot better than my older sister.
You see, that's the kind of stupid expectation parents put on you when you're a younger child. And the one year difference I have to put up with isn't helping all so much either. Okay, I'm not saying that my sister is dumb. She's smart, she just has horrible study habits. And yeah, she passed all her classes junior year. Good for her. Now it's my turn. Other than the fact that I'm already taking on more than my sister did this year, my parents have been riding my back, expecting that I become a God-sent child that has the perfect grades, helps out at church, and comes at all bidding. The only expectations I have of myself this year is to pass all my classes and SAT/AP exams (? I hope), and to crawl in my bed by the end of the school year and pass out until school starts again.
Back to my sister though. Luckily for me, she didn't really apply herself last year, and my expectations are set lower. But of course, they're still very high. Set higher than the average junior. But then of course, I am Asian. I don't like the play the "I'm Asian" card all too much, but to me, it is a valid excuse.
When does all this studying end? There's a group of Facebook right now: "If the world ends in 2012, I wasted all my time in school". This perfectly describes my feeling. The sad thing is, even if the world does not end, I'll have to continue on in college for another 4-6 years. Maybe more.
I know my parents are wise and all, but when they say, "I'd rather be in school than at work, so don't complain!" it really pisses the hell out of me. First off, they picked jobs that they don't like, and I'll never have the intention to choose a life-long career that does not suit me. Secondly, today's educational criteria exceeds so much more than of that in the past. And lastly, if you wanna switch mom and dad, heck, I'm all for it.
I just miss my childhood a lot. Not that it was a kick ass great one, but because of how simple things were. Everything now is so rushed. It's all instant. I remember back in freshman year, I remember thinking about how easy I had it because I didn't have to think about my future too much. And now, it's a lot different. I'm pushed to take all these tests that may show inference to whom I should be in life.
After reading "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer, I long for a difference in society other than the expectations we put up with today. Everything imaginable is pushed in our faces: the dream to do well, the expectation to succeed, our body images, everything. I cannot find it fitting that I sit here passively and make friends with all prospects. We often think that the people we see out on the streets are stupid because they dropped out of school or got kicked out. We never thought to ourselves that there is the possibility that they are living that way because they want to. Maybe it's because they themselves knew long ago that they were fed up with all these guidelines and did not have the desire to follow by them.
Okay, time to put this rant to it's death. Only publicly, however. In my mind, these questions still arise.
Good luck with finals and everything, peeps.
GOOD LUCK WITH LIFE.

Thank God for Sunshine

So, the weather has been the topic of the week. It rained last week, practically all week. I'm just glad the weather's getting better.
It's not that I don't love rain, because I do. Really, I do. But you just get sick of it. "Too much of a good thing is bad for you"? Haha I don't know.
What I do know is the weather has been playing with our emotions like crazy. I'm serious though, no joke. Everyone's been so glum and upset. I'm guilty of it too. I guess it's just the mindset we're in.
So I guess, Thank God for breathing sunshine. Without it, my life as I know it would be most depressing.

Ugh, okay so lately, I've been pressured into giving up and giving in. Totally ignoring all my feelings, SOMEONE really doesn't get the position I'm stuck in. SOMEONE only sees the external problem at hand. And yeah, I can say, it sucks. The only way I can explain it is the "Keep it in my back pocket for a rainy day" model. I'm not totally stupid as to think that I can hold on forever. But I'm not that weak that I can't hold on for as long as it takes. I'm not expecting for him to understand me completely, but to at least see it from my point of view. Whatever, I'm ticked. But I'll get over it.
P.S. The person I'm referring to is NOT who you think it is (:
P.S.S. It's supposed to rain tomorrow...
"Rainy days are here again..."

Shepherds

Last summer, 2009, I remember praying to God. I remember my distinct words. "God, I'm afraid of losing you. Help me. I can't feel you." And clear as the day, God sent someone to me. Well, who knew he would come in wizard form? I've known this person for probably two years before really getting to know him. So we started talking more and more. And praying together. And hanging out. Little did I know, he had an invisible sign on his forehead that reads, "WARNING: This Man of God is deeply spiritual." And so it began. As we gradually talked more and more, I began to remember what it felt like when I was much younger. I remember when I was about six or seven years old, I absolutely loved following my mom and dad to their bible gatherings with their friends. And I loved it because there was even a group for the younger kids. There was this pictured bible that they had, and there would be activities in the bible that we could do. And yes, I still have this book. And yes, I still read it from time to time. Haha. But coming back on topic, I began to remember what it felt like to have God completely surround me. If you're older than me, and you've taken AP classes your junior year, you know it's no joke. The work is difficult and it's hard to find time for yourself. The first week I came back to school, I totally forgot about God. And so on came Giao Ly. We were beginning classes and for the first time, I talked to this person. And really talked. Like, connected. Spiritually. Granted, he did get me into trouble a couple of times, but God sent me what I asked for: someone to guide me back in my faith.
Did you know you could name your guardian angel? Like, any name you want. You can always change it too. So this person told me to pick a name for my angel. In respects for what he has done for me, I named my angel Tony, after the person who brought me back to my faith. And I really have no intention of changing it. Well, not anytime soon. All I can hope for is that we can stay friends forever, because I know that as long as he's my friend, I'll be closer to God, the proximity I need. So yes, Tony Vu. This is a shout out to you because you are so cool. And I mean it. You've done numerous things for all us teens, most of which you will never know of. But at least now, you know my story.
YOU are Beautiful.

Unachievable Happiness

Things are supposed to get easier, but for some forsaken reason, all that occurs are more difficulties. I don't mean to slander life, but cut a break would you? And seriously, I'm pissed.
How could he do that to me? He doesn't know anything and quite frankly, it's MY life and I'll make my own decisions. How could he have the audacity to judge someone by their proximity? What I hate most is that he'll never stop. Well, two more years and I'll turn 18. We'll see who comes out on top. I'm not that little girl that comes crying to you, and I never was. Stuck in your own mind, you'll never be able to see me for who I really am, and who I am to become. That is my only disappointment. Everything else is water under the bridge. Daddy's little girl isn't so little anymore, so get over it.

I'm upset with myself too though. In the midst of darkness is when I run to Him. No other time has it crossed my mind that He is celebrating my joyous times with me. I plan to make it my resolution to acknowledge Him at all times, through all ups and downs life brings.

In the words of Adam Young (aka Owl City)

'I can finally see
That you're right there beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you'

Christmas!

Gosh, it feels like it's taking forever for Christmas to come this year :/ Feels like it'll be another year before it comes again... maybe I'm just being impatient. Lol...

Lately, it's been... suckish. It feels like everyone is mad at me, but they won't tell me the reason why -.- Whatever. I just want this year to be over with. Not to say that this wasn't a good year, because it was...

I need to start thinking about my New Year's resolutions :)

Wishlist

So a whole lotta people are asking me what I want for Christmas. And really, I haven't given much thought to it. But some people are forcing me (AHEM, you know who you are -.-) to make a wish list of the things I want up :P So yeah.

Cut off Trim Pullover (Lavender)
Deux Lux Zip Front Duffel*Buy me this and I'll love you forever. It's too much money hahah bleeeh.
Gingham Lumber Jacket

Eh, Idk... my heart's not into getting gifts :P
If you really wanna get me something for Christmas, there's something you can do for me! Buy like, a toy or something for me, so I can donate it to my church :)

And so, the Truth Comes Out

Why do people insist on telling me that I'm someone I know I'm not? That I'm talented and caring and all those lies? Don't they know that all they're really doing is setting an expectation for me? I'm not the kind that wants to let people down, I'll give myself credit for that. And for only that.

Gosh, today? One of the worst days of my life. I can't explain to myself why I'm crying or why I'm feeling so much pain. I thought I was okay. What happened? What made the difference between today and yesterday?

I don't like questioning God. But where the hell are You? Why is it that I'm left here alone crying in my room? Why does my chest hurt so much? Why does it feel so heavy and unbearable?

I just wish people would realize that I'm not who they think I am. Behind this smile is a person that feeds off the unfortunate pain of others. I'm horrible. Don't trust me.