Today Last, Tomorrow First

Today was supposed to be my day. This year was supposed to be my year.

But I've never felt more detached. I've never felt more insignificant.

My Dark Secret

I think as teenagers we all deal with some type of obstacle concerning our image. I know I won't be the first to admit it... I don't like the body I'm in. Most people say that they feel the need to lose weight. I'm the exact opposite. I feel like I need to gain it.

Acceptance is the first step. Hello, my name is Tiffany and I'm a binger. For some of you who don't know what binging is, the dictionary definition is any behavior indulged in excess. My excess is food. It's funny. I always make jokes about it whenever I hear about it in health class. We would learn about eating disorders and when binging would come up, I would say "that's me!" I guess everyone thought it was a joke. I know this because I thought it was one too.

But no, it wasn't. I've always been told, day after day, that I'm too skinny. "You need to eat more and gain some weight" they would tell me. I never took it seriously until I got into middle school. Everyone around me looked healthy and at the appropriate weight. But when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was skin and bones. Naturally, I wanted to change this. I would take in portions double of what a person of my height and weight should take in. But I did this only at home.

You see, my family doesn't eat dinner together very much. They haven't noticed. They probably still don't know. All they thought was that I was going through a stage that made me a bit more hungrier as I would return to rice cooker (yes, it's our staple food. Don't hate.) a second or even sometimes, a third time. I remember one month, I was so obsessed with gaining weight that I would run to the scale after my first portion, then after my second, and so on.

I ran to food not as a comfort, but as a necessity. I felt like I needed it. All the time. Even when I knew I wasn't hungry. Even when I knew that I was too full to take in anything else. If you've followed my recent past, I've been sick a lot. Stomach aches, irregular periods, the whole shebang. In my sophomore year of high school, I was informed that I had high cholesterol. I was only 16 then. Then was the time I knew that I had to change my eating habits. I'm not going to lie and say that it was easy for me to hold back. I was so obsessed with gaining weight. But I would hardly gain any, which depressed me even more.

I know my friends mean well, as does my family. I know they think that I don't eat enough. Little did they know that I did eat enough. More than enough actually. But the more people tell me that I should eat and the more I should gain some weight, the more I feel compelled to do so. I feel more compelled to run to food when I know I don't need it.

I could say that I'm busy or that I don't have the time to go out with my friends when they ask me to go out to eat. It's partly true. Whenever I go out to eat, it's hard for me. I spend money on food I know that I can't finish by myself. I find shame in eating so much, so I hide it. I order something that I know won't satisfy my hunger so they don't know that I binge almost every day.

Gladly to report, I'm doing much better. I've never told anyone about this dark part of me, but I feel that it's important for me to start my healing process. I know that I'm skinny and thin and petite. I'm sorry, I can't help change that aspect of me. It really doesn't help when people make a mockery out of me either. It makes me really want to run back to food. But I know I have the strength to get past the comments. When I look in the mirror, I'm starting to like myself more.

Just a note though: Not everyone has the fortune to self-assist themselves like I have. It's actually a very difficult struggle. So let's just have respect for everyone okay? Despite their weight or appearance.

Reliance

Think me pathetic and introverted, but other than God, I can't run to anyone with my problems. Anything, more like it. I run to, or rather surf to, blogger. That's right, I'm that self-relied that I have to type my problems out here. On the internet. For the world to see. Because yes, I am that pathetic.
Right now, I'm scrolling through my friends list on AIM, trying to find someone that will hear me out. It's absolutely stupid of me that I can't even pick out one friend that I feel that I can talk to without being judged. What's even more pathetic is that I have a category named "Besties". I'm supposed to run to them right? But I can't. Only God knows. And I hate myself for saying this but, God may know, but does He even care?
I'm hurting. I'm sick of always having to keep my composure. I'm surrounded by too much family at the moment, I don't want to cry in front of them.

I just want everyone, all of you to know, even though you never hear me express my problems, it doesn't mean my life is perfect.

Mark It

That face you gave me is still engraved in my mind. It always will be.
And I'll never forgive you for that.

Stripped

Coming home from retreat, I knew I would have my challenges cut out for me. Haah, God you're so unpredictable! I absolutely had no idea it would come so quickly and who it's with is even more shocking. Just like any other, I stepped out those doors to come back home and I was stripped. I feel like everything I did on that retreat was in vain. It doesn't matter. None of the teens felt nothing. I failed.


Thanks for pointing it out to me. Now I know what to do on the next one.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and you didn't kill me.

STOP SKIPPING THANKSGIVING!

Maybe it's my own personal thing, but I prefer Thanksgiving over Christmas for a few reasons:

• It's so neglected when the holidays come around. People only give it attention because it's the day before Black Friday shopping... haha how shallow.
• Sometimes, we have to stop and give thanks before anything else, we have to thank those who made us who we are, good and bad, and who brought us here.
• Thanksgiving is a lot more calm than Christmas... Christmas is just so hectic sometimes... Thanksgiving is more serene so I can take things more seriously.

But speaking of giving thanks, there are a few people especially I need to thank. Thank you mom and dad and sisters, no one is more amusing than you all. Thank you Auntie Julie for picking me up on Fridays and taking me out to eat. Thank you Kathy Luu for checking up on me ever so often. Thank you Haylie Chu for making the effort even though sometimes its not reciprocated. Thank you Judy Nguyen for telling me when you're bored and actually pushing me to make plans to go out other than staying at home. Thank you Binnie Truong for your honesty and your realization that things aren't the same anymore... and that's okay. Thank you Kevin Nguyen for being my everything. Thank you Ciarra Academia for trusting me to tell me all your troubles. Thank you Tony Vu for asking me for prayer intentions constantly. Thank you LLT for always asking me if I need help with closing prayer. Above all, thank you God for... endless things a blog cannot contain.

For You, "Father"

HONESTLY. I don't understand you, Dad. You tell me, in my younger years, that I can do anything I set my mind to. That nothing is too out of my reach. Eleven years later, everything is too "out there" and "unreasonable". Do you think I'm stupid? Honestly. Your own daughter is too stupid to apply to UC schools. I guess that's a reflection of yourself. This isn't fair. This is hardly fair. This isn't fair at all.
"You know when I was back in Vietnam, we..." I fucking hate that phrase. Okay, you're here now. In America. I get it, you had hardships. But is my life really that much of a fucking cakewalk? Try having a dad like YOU. It's hard. Basically, only mom is raising me. The only thing you're good for is making money. You don't do shit for this family. You tell me that I shouldn't even be spending money on college applications because you can't pay for it while your laptop is on your lap and you're buying ridiculous shit that you really don't fucking need. Maybe going to college wouldn't be so hard financially if you SAVED money like you're supposed to for my college funds. I hate you right now. With every ounce of hate I could possibly hate all the people in the world with, I waste it on you. How dare you build me up with these lies that I'm good enough and that I'm smart and that I could go to any school and then tell me now that I'm basically no good at anything and that I shouldn't try and that I should be reasonable when I apply to schools because we're "tight on money" and it's hard to find a job that is within my expectations.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I know that the economy is shit and that things won't come easily to me. Being reasonable? Okay, I get it. You want me to have some shit dead-end job that makes adequate money just so that I'll be financially stable. I'll tell you now, "father", that I am NOT willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of being reasonable. I will not pursue a career in something that I don't love. I'm not going to live my life on the safe side like you and mom. Look where that got you both. You don't even love each other. It's a shame to see, but more of a shame to become. And I can assure you that I will be NOTHING like you.
I'm sorry that the schools of my choice are so expensive and so far away. Honestly, the further I get from you, the better. If I could wrap up my whole life in this city and ship it to the other end of the world, I would. And you, "father", will be the only one left.
Fine. I won't spend your money on UC apps. I'm sorry I even fucking asked. You're right. I'm a no good piece of shit that will never amount up to anything. There will never be any fruit of my labor. So why waste the energy. But I hope you know, "father", that when you see me wasting away on the street, harnessing whatever is left of my tarnished heart, hopes, and dreams, I hope you know that I, still, am nothing like you. I may not make the hefty income you do, I may not have a house or have any way to make ends meet. I still have not sacrificed my integrity for the sake of the economy. Though I'll be weak, my heart and mind will be stronger than yours. Always.