For You, "Father"

HONESTLY. I don't understand you, Dad. You tell me, in my younger years, that I can do anything I set my mind to. That nothing is too out of my reach. Eleven years later, everything is too "out there" and "unreasonable". Do you think I'm stupid? Honestly. Your own daughter is too stupid to apply to UC schools. I guess that's a reflection of yourself. This isn't fair. This is hardly fair. This isn't fair at all.
"You know when I was back in Vietnam, we..." I fucking hate that phrase. Okay, you're here now. In America. I get it, you had hardships. But is my life really that much of a fucking cakewalk? Try having a dad like YOU. It's hard. Basically, only mom is raising me. The only thing you're good for is making money. You don't do shit for this family. You tell me that I shouldn't even be spending money on college applications because you can't pay for it while your laptop is on your lap and you're buying ridiculous shit that you really don't fucking need. Maybe going to college wouldn't be so hard financially if you SAVED money like you're supposed to for my college funds. I hate you right now. With every ounce of hate I could possibly hate all the people in the world with, I waste it on you. How dare you build me up with these lies that I'm good enough and that I'm smart and that I could go to any school and then tell me now that I'm basically no good at anything and that I shouldn't try and that I should be reasonable when I apply to schools because we're "tight on money" and it's hard to find a job that is within my expectations.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I know that the economy is shit and that things won't come easily to me. Being reasonable? Okay, I get it. You want me to have some shit dead-end job that makes adequate money just so that I'll be financially stable. I'll tell you now, "father", that I am NOT willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of being reasonable. I will not pursue a career in something that I don't love. I'm not going to live my life on the safe side like you and mom. Look where that got you both. You don't even love each other. It's a shame to see, but more of a shame to become. And I can assure you that I will be NOTHING like you.
I'm sorry that the schools of my choice are so expensive and so far away. Honestly, the further I get from you, the better. If I could wrap up my whole life in this city and ship it to the other end of the world, I would. And you, "father", will be the only one left.
Fine. I won't spend your money on UC apps. I'm sorry I even fucking asked. You're right. I'm a no good piece of shit that will never amount up to anything. There will never be any fruit of my labor. So why waste the energy. But I hope you know, "father", that when you see me wasting away on the street, harnessing whatever is left of my tarnished heart, hopes, and dreams, I hope you know that I, still, am nothing like you. I may not make the hefty income you do, I may not have a house or have any way to make ends meet. I still have not sacrificed my integrity for the sake of the economy. Though I'll be weak, my heart and mind will be stronger than yours. Always.

Update

EVERYONE has a TUMBLR. But I'm a noncomformist. :)

Things have been okay lately. I've been starting to think about where I really want to go to school next year. In/Out of state? In OC? Yeah, I'm still indecisive. There's a part of me that really wants to get away and see what else there is in the world. But there's still that childish, innate part of me that wants to be home, because its all I know. I realize that I should be open to different experiences, and trust me, that's one of the factors tying me to out of state. But there's the other note, financial problems. Okay well, I'll admit my parents' income together is not lowly at all, but our spendings? Expensive. We have five mouths to feed, plus my older sister's college education. My teacher told me when he remembered classes for college used to be $5. That's insane. Classes now are so freaken expensive. But my teacher is kind of a dinosaur. Well enough about college and such, I need to start focusing on what's left of my time in high school.

Before we know it, we'll graduate and be out the free education system. Time to grow up? We can't be seventeen forever.

Judases

I've never felt more hurt or betrayed in my life. Ever.

Not In My Book

Those who cannot fix their own relationships, should not give relationship advice.
It's a shame you can't see the pain in her eyes, or maybe you can. Maybe you just don't care. You don't know the endless sleepless hours she's been through, the tears she's cried. Every wrinkle and bag under her eyes are because of you. You've robbed her of her youth and her happiness. I can't believe that you think it's okay to flirt or talk to other women they way you do. I'm not stupid, and neither is she. We know. We just don't say anything. But mark my words, you will regret it. I will make your life hell. I will destroy you and hurt you and punish you just like you did to her. I don't give a crap about loyalty. Those who do not practice loyalty don't deserve it. It's just a shame that you can get away with so much of the bullshit you dish out. It's astonishing how much crap you can pull out of your mouth about family and respect and love, when in the long run, they're just words. Because of you, I'm afraid to love. But, fear not shall I? You and I have no relation, not in my book.

(in)Destructible

I'll admit I'm completely irresponsible with my feelings.
But I'm suffering enough with everything else.


And you.
I still remember you.
Sucks we never met.
Sucks we never will.

Buddy Ol' Pal

Why do we even consider each other friends anymore? Shit, we're acquaintances. Fuck that, we're strangers. You said you were sorry for giving me the cold shoulder and you'll better it. Haaah, I was stupid to believe you. You're just like how everyone says you are. You're a bitch who just moves from one group of friends to the next. And the truth is, you don't even give a shit. If you don't, neither should I. I'm sick of standing up for you and making excuses for you when people bag on you. You said we'd be "friends forever", something you said yourself you don't believe in. You made me believe in you, then you let me down. That's what hurts the most. I'm a pretty forgiving person and I fucking hate that about myself. But fuck this shit because I'm not going to be like that anymore. This is it, I'm not turning back, and there's nothing you can say or do that'll change that. You can't keep our friendship together if you're ignoring me. It's like lining up pennies on a ruler. Soon you'll have lined up too many on one end, pennies will fall from the other end. You use people, that's what you do. And I don't need to be around people like that. I made a commitment to you, but you won't meet me half way. So yeah, peace out.

Summer Kickoff

I know it hasn't even been a week of summer vacation, but I can already feel myself starting to change. I won't say if it's a good or bad change, because everyone has their own perspective of it. As for myself, I will claim it neutral.
I'm beginning to speak for myself and really not give a care about how people react to it. I'm learning not to trust too easily, and I'm learning who my real friends are. I'm beginning to let go of the things I find excess to my life, whether it be physical objects or people.
My aunt gave me a serious talk about being open to new experiences. I'm so locked into what I know that I'll never learn new things. And she's right. I've been so uniformly stuck in my own little world. I wanna break free.
So anyway, I've been up to Frisco this weekend and I'm heading to Pennsylvania soon. Seems like this summer is gonna be some adventure.


Look up, little kids.