Summer Kickoff

I know it hasn't even been a week of summer vacation, but I can already feel myself starting to change. I won't say if it's a good or bad change, because everyone has their own perspective of it. As for myself, I will claim it neutral.
I'm beginning to speak for myself and really not give a care about how people react to it. I'm learning not to trust too easily, and I'm learning who my real friends are. I'm beginning to let go of the things I find excess to my life, whether it be physical objects or people.
My aunt gave me a serious talk about being open to new experiences. I'm so locked into what I know that I'll never learn new things. And she's right. I've been so uniformly stuck in my own little world. I wanna break free.
So anyway, I've been up to Frisco this weekend and I'm heading to Pennsylvania soon. Seems like this summer is gonna be some adventure.


Look up, little kids.

Pandora's Box

Pandora opened a box that she was not allowed to open under any circumstances. Her curiosity released all the evils of the world free.

It's stupid to cry; it's been so long. So why do I still feel this heaviness in my heart when I read these letters? Maybe it was my own fault for opening this box and looking through these things. I've moved on and I've gone past the four mark. But I guess time has proven futile. I've reverted back to my freshman year: this immature little girl who thought she knew what love was. But I didn't. But I know better now. I'll get through this.

There was something I forgot to mention. Pandora may have released all the evils into the world, but there was one thing that she managed to save. And that was hope.

The Biggest Monster

Repression.
I don't talk openly about my feelings too often, other than the quick "I'm sad/I'm hungry/I'm tired...etc."
I don't like talking about my feelings because honestly, people won't understand me. Most of them just tell me "Oh, cheer up" or "That's okay...it'll get better".
Really, the only person I can tell my feelings to is Binnie Truong. He doesn't give me that comfort that most people do. For instance, if I said, "Binnie, I'm pissed at life and I know it's not gonna get any better and I hate this. I just wish I'd die," he would say, "Yeah, me too. F*ck life. Let's die together." And that, my friend, is one of the reasons why I love him. He's so easily relatable.
The monster is when my anger just randomly comes out. I repress all my anger. I know it's not healthy for me, but I can't help it. Most of the time, I hold it in because I know it's not the right time to be angry. I let it out at the most unexpected times though. I hate this about me.
I'm easily upset. I take things too personally, but it keeps me on my toes. I know you can't trust everyone. So I don't. I've shown my true self to maybe one or two people. Gladly, these people are still in my life. They accept me<3;
But if I were to show you the real me, you wouldn't be in my life, trust me. The biggest monster, without a doubt, is me.

Can't Be

First off, I'd just like to bring it to your attention that this is my 100th blog post :) ehehe.

I've been in a veiled depression. You know the depression that you know is there... but it just hasn't hit you... yet. The fact of it is, I've been depressed for awhile now. I don't know what really caused it, but I don't really care either. There's like this... peace, that's keeping me from feeling this depression though. I'm so grateful for this serenity, but at the same time, I hate it. I wish that it wouldn't block the depression that I know is bound to come. I wish the depression would just hit, so I could be sad and get over it. I'm so conflicted inside. I long so much to feel happiness, but I also want to be angry and hurt and just sorrowed, just to get over it.

I never make much sense with my words, writing doesn't come easily for me. I backspace more often than I type out what I want to say. I tend to write in circles; I repeat and reword because I'm unoriginal. But I like this about myself.

Motivation

I have a new motivation.
And that is, Mom, to prove you wrong. I DO give a shit about my grades. And maybe they're not good enough on your eyes, but I am who I am. I make mistakes. I sometimes forget to do homework, or maybe I'm tired and don't have the energy to do it. But I'm still your daughter. Where's your unconditional positive regard? Am I a failure in your eyes?

Well, you know what? I'm only doing well in school because YOU want me to. I don't do it for me, like you always say I do. I don't, I don't care about school. Honestly, I couldn't care less which college I get into. I don't care if I even go to college. I do this because I love you. But you don't love me enough to look past my imperfections. "I want you to look at this, look at your grades, and feel bad."
Who the hell says that? I have straight A's, other than that one C. I'm not good at math. I've never been good at math. I never will be good at math. That's just who I am.
I'm sorry I can't be the well-rounded person you so desperately want me to be. But I promise you this, I'll do my best in school, like you say I do, I'll do it for me. I'll do it so I can get the chance to go wherever the hell I want. Whatever school I want after high school, I'll do it so I can get there. Trust me, it won't be any school near you though. I love you, but I can't stand this anymore.

Sometimes in life, when you love someone, you do things that make them happy. Sometimes you act that smile to fool them into thinking that you're fine. But you know it, when you're alone, you're not happy. That smile you put on is fake, and everyday, you live knowing you have to wake up in the morning, and put on that same stupid act, just for the happiness of others.

Overboard

So I guess I slipped and fell over.
All that's left of me is my soul in shards.

Too late to pick me up.
You've let me down.

Peace of Mind

With all this testing going on, it's hard to have time for myself to clear my head. In attempt to achieve some peace of mind, I walked home from church yesterday after second shift. Aside from the heavy shoulders and the sore feet, my walk home was enjoyable. I was already drained because I had been out the whole day. I got a lot of thinking done at that time too. But what I remember most from my walk home was this one moment. I was walking down my street and I suddenly stopped out of nowhere and looked to the sky. It was like something took over me. I heard a voice within me ask me, "What wouldn't you give up to be with God?" My mind drew a blank. I couldn't think of anything. At that moment, I would've given up anything and everything.
Reality set in again. I was only a few minutes from my house. I sighed and walked on. Life continues. This repetitive, monotonous life still drives on.
For the past few weeks, I've been getting this urge to just pack up and leave this small town cluttered with conformity and uniformity. I wanted to be out there with nature. Much less extreme than transcendentalism, of course.  "I've sucked the marrow out of..." Orange County. I just need to be somewhere where my curiosities can roam free and take me to the some place spontaneous. Someone, take me away. Let's just get lost in ourselves.