My Dark Secret

I think as teenagers we all deal with some type of obstacle concerning our image. I know I won't be the first to admit it... I don't like the body I'm in. Most people say that they feel the need to lose weight. I'm the exact opposite. I feel like I need to gain it.

Acceptance is the first step. Hello, my name is Tiffany and I'm a binger. For some of you who don't know what binging is, the dictionary definition is any behavior indulged in excess. My excess is food. It's funny. I always make jokes about it whenever I hear about it in health class. We would learn about eating disorders and when binging would come up, I would say "that's me!" I guess everyone thought it was a joke. I know this because I thought it was one too.

But no, it wasn't. I've always been told, day after day, that I'm too skinny. "You need to eat more and gain some weight" they would tell me. I never took it seriously until I got into middle school. Everyone around me looked healthy and at the appropriate weight. But when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was skin and bones. Naturally, I wanted to change this. I would take in portions double of what a person of my height and weight should take in. But I did this only at home.

You see, my family doesn't eat dinner together very much. They haven't noticed. They probably still don't know. All they thought was that I was going through a stage that made me a bit more hungrier as I would return to rice cooker (yes, it's our staple food. Don't hate.) a second or even sometimes, a third time. I remember one month, I was so obsessed with gaining weight that I would run to the scale after my first portion, then after my second, and so on.

I ran to food not as a comfort, but as a necessity. I felt like I needed it. All the time. Even when I knew I wasn't hungry. Even when I knew that I was too full to take in anything else. If you've followed my recent past, I've been sick a lot. Stomach aches, irregular periods, the whole shebang. In my sophomore year of high school, I was informed that I had high cholesterol. I was only 16 then. Then was the time I knew that I had to change my eating habits. I'm not going to lie and say that it was easy for me to hold back. I was so obsessed with gaining weight. But I would hardly gain any, which depressed me even more.

I know my friends mean well, as does my family. I know they think that I don't eat enough. Little did they know that I did eat enough. More than enough actually. But the more people tell me that I should eat and the more I should gain some weight, the more I feel compelled to do so. I feel more compelled to run to food when I know I don't need it.

I could say that I'm busy or that I don't have the time to go out with my friends when they ask me to go out to eat. It's partly true. Whenever I go out to eat, it's hard for me. I spend money on food I know that I can't finish by myself. I find shame in eating so much, so I hide it. I order something that I know won't satisfy my hunger so they don't know that I binge almost every day.

Gladly to report, I'm doing much better. I've never told anyone about this dark part of me, but I feel that it's important for me to start my healing process. I know that I'm skinny and thin and petite. I'm sorry, I can't help change that aspect of me. It really doesn't help when people make a mockery out of me either. It makes me really want to run back to food. But I know I have the strength to get past the comments. When I look in the mirror, I'm starting to like myself more.

Just a note though: Not everyone has the fortune to self-assist themselves like I have. It's actually a very difficult struggle. So let's just have respect for everyone okay? Despite their weight or appearance.