For You, "Father"

HONESTLY. I don't understand you, Dad. You tell me, in my younger years, that I can do anything I set my mind to. That nothing is too out of my reach. Eleven years later, everything is too "out there" and "unreasonable". Do you think I'm stupid? Honestly. Your own daughter is too stupid to apply to UC schools. I guess that's a reflection of yourself. This isn't fair. This is hardly fair. This isn't fair at all.
"You know when I was back in Vietnam, we..." I fucking hate that phrase. Okay, you're here now. In America. I get it, you had hardships. But is my life really that much of a fucking cakewalk? Try having a dad like YOU. It's hard. Basically, only mom is raising me. The only thing you're good for is making money. You don't do shit for this family. You tell me that I shouldn't even be spending money on college applications because you can't pay for it while your laptop is on your lap and you're buying ridiculous shit that you really don't fucking need. Maybe going to college wouldn't be so hard financially if you SAVED money like you're supposed to for my college funds. I hate you right now. With every ounce of hate I could possibly hate all the people in the world with, I waste it on you. How dare you build me up with these lies that I'm good enough and that I'm smart and that I could go to any school and then tell me now that I'm basically no good at anything and that I shouldn't try and that I should be reasonable when I apply to schools because we're "tight on money" and it's hard to find a job that is within my expectations.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I know that the economy is shit and that things won't come easily to me. Being reasonable? Okay, I get it. You want me to have some shit dead-end job that makes adequate money just so that I'll be financially stable. I'll tell you now, "father", that I am NOT willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of being reasonable. I will not pursue a career in something that I don't love. I'm not going to live my life on the safe side like you and mom. Look where that got you both. You don't even love each other. It's a shame to see, but more of a shame to become. And I can assure you that I will be NOTHING like you.
I'm sorry that the schools of my choice are so expensive and so far away. Honestly, the further I get from you, the better. If I could wrap up my whole life in this city and ship it to the other end of the world, I would. And you, "father", will be the only one left.
Fine. I won't spend your money on UC apps. I'm sorry I even fucking asked. You're right. I'm a no good piece of shit that will never amount up to anything. There will never be any fruit of my labor. So why waste the energy. But I hope you know, "father", that when you see me wasting away on the street, harnessing whatever is left of my tarnished heart, hopes, and dreams, I hope you know that I, still, am nothing like you. I may not make the hefty income you do, I may not have a house or have any way to make ends meet. I still have not sacrificed my integrity for the sake of the economy. Though I'll be weak, my heart and mind will be stronger than yours. Always.

Update

EVERYONE has a TUMBLR. But I'm a noncomformist. :)

Things have been okay lately. I've been starting to think about where I really want to go to school next year. In/Out of state? In OC? Yeah, I'm still indecisive. There's a part of me that really wants to get away and see what else there is in the world. But there's still that childish, innate part of me that wants to be home, because its all I know. I realize that I should be open to different experiences, and trust me, that's one of the factors tying me to out of state. But there's the other note, financial problems. Okay well, I'll admit my parents' income together is not lowly at all, but our spendings? Expensive. We have five mouths to feed, plus my older sister's college education. My teacher told me when he remembered classes for college used to be $5. That's insane. Classes now are so freaken expensive. But my teacher is kind of a dinosaur. Well enough about college and such, I need to start focusing on what's left of my time in high school.

Before we know it, we'll graduate and be out the free education system. Time to grow up? We can't be seventeen forever.